Saturday, 29 December 2007

Yes,Ramu Watched It All...!

It was six PM in the evening. The shutters were not yet closed. The old cacophony still hanged on in the premises. I am used to these noises for years. It’s a Kind of soothing music. People running here and there. Owners shouting at their employees. Customers pleading to traders. Few even getting angry! Everyone is in Hurry!

Mr.Parekh called up and enquired about the delivery.
"Arre saheb, parekh bol raha hoon!
Maal abhi tak deliver nahi hua..."

"Parekh saheb, pehle rokra iss baar..! Aapka khaata bahut din chal chuka...”

"Parekh replied...arre jignesh bhai...samjha karo...customer khade hai baahar...once i get the delivery, i wil clear all the dues!"

"No parekh, the big apple group has already paid for the entire commodity! It’s a six month advance! Ab kaha...udhaar khaata chalta can see it na, the Mode has changed! Advance payment, and you get the delivery! No running after traders! Time has changed parekh saheb!"

Parekh continued...”jignesh bhai, we have old relationship! It was never this way! Did I ever make you wait? Aapko saara amount mil jaata hai na?!"

Jignesh- "parekh bhai...I do understand, but time has changed! Its era of globalization! First you pay, and then you get the delivery! Relationship is at its own place! Business apni jagah! Sab badal gaya hai parekh bhai...”

"hello? Hello?"
The line was disconnected..!

I was watching all...parekh bhai's forehead was laden with sweats! I could see him pleading with all other options, the other traders...but none of them budged..!He tried to explain customers but all of them threatened to shift to other traders..!
He pleaded...he tried to explain...he asked for forgiveness...he asked for time...he reasoned them the years old relationship...
Nothing worked..!

He ordered me to close down the shutters!
And walked away...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all...!
Mrs Parekh had just ordered kitchen items. The doorbell rang.
“Yes ma'm...please accept your stuff!”
The stuff comprised, vegetables, grains, daily use commodities! All from food bazaar!
Stuffs were all polished! Packaged! Having plastered price tag used over them! With the ever so enticing DISCOUNTS..! Up to 15 to 30 percent..!
In few of the things...even to the extent of 50 percent..!
The prospect was indeed salivating...if you take one kg of kohinoor basmati rice, it will cost you 50 rupees. But if you purchase three kgs, it will cost you just
89.99 rupees..!
Wow...a clear cut discount of 60 rupees.! Any house wife would give an eye for that!

Mr.parekh was watching it all!
"Dipti, dont you know, I was bringing the same rice for 25 rupees?
"Dekho ji, aap har baat mein kich-kich mat karo!?
It’s a different type of basmati rice! It has more shine, more taste and see the packaging! Packaging itself would have costed 10 rupees!"

Parekh tried to answer; the packaging costs not more than 30 paisa! But the smile which the delivery boy greeted with you definitely costed you almost 100 Rupees! I will bring the same rice next time, if you prefer it so much!

"Aap rehne do! Main bhi dekh chuki, aap kya kya laate ho..!"

And Mr Parekh walked away...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all...!

Accha suno ji! How does this look? Maroon colored, laced lingerie!
Mr Parekh stood shocked!
“Since when you have started wearing this? “

She replied,” I watched it on Victoria’s secret show! There were so many fascinating designs, with different colors; different patterns and few were just wow..! Totally Transparent! They did cost a bomb! But then, I needed to flaunt it in the kitty party! Afterall, with changing times, we need to upgrade ourselves as well!
Afterall, with changing times, we need to upgrade ourselves as well! And It feels good to be aware of your own sexuality, even if demands to expose my cleavage a bit or just wearing transparent stuff!”

“Anyways, you won’t understand, you are oblivious to new world!
I wish I had a modern husband!
I am going to watch FTV 11 PM show...!”

Mr Parekh walked away to his bedroom...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
Pinky shouted,……….. mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s this? From where the hell did you bring this wheat? Chapatti tastes so yuckkkkk!!!

“Beta, it’s from, dad’s wheat mill!”

“I knew it! You are still cooking things from dad's antique museum?”

Mr Parekh intrrupted...pinky...beta...its home grown...of good quality..!

Listen dad! Chillax!
“I know what I like! And I know what’s the quality of your so called home grown, well cooked, well packaged, well delivered, and well prepared good quality stuff!

I can’t take this all! Mom...i am gonna have, some pizza and burger! You better Taste that old man and then you will find what service and quality is all about!
Come’ on give me some cash. I have run out of my credit card balance! And tell ramu to deposit cash in my account!”

Mr Parekh kept chewing the yuck chapatti...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
Sonu came rushing from his swanky motorbike!

Are you nuts? Mumma, why don’t you make him understand? I have a standing among my mates! They think, I am the son of a big time businessman!!
My foot! Why the hell did not you tell me, what stuff he gifted me on my birthday?
You know what’s it called?
He gifted me a khaadi shirt???? Khaadiiiiii?? Can you believe that?
You realize how the guyz made fun of me??
Probably you don’t because dad never had any dress sense! But I needed clothes to suit my bike and gizmos!
I want to have new attire by evening!
And listen...i just saw this new N82!
Get that for me before any of my friends get a hand on it!”

Mr Parekh kept reading newspaper...with an eye on his old cell phone........all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
MR PAREKH...we are sorry...! The supply has all dried up...even if you in pay in advance, the delivery have been booked for next 8 months! We have received amazing Prices for it!
Though, being a friend I will suggest you! Better shift to some other business! Shut it down! Or just take a franchise for any of the big retail boy! They are Bigger than you...! When surrendering your ownership can make you more prosper, whats the need of being your own owner..!?
Afterall, paisa bolta hai sarkar...!”

Mr parekh kept mum with a wry smile....all dejected...dispointed..Head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
Those were the days...traders and farmers sitting together...making deals...the business ran on trust, credit and co-operation...the sound of Seth ji, used to Give amazing highs...!
Tackling customers...going back to home...gifting plain white, cream colored linegrie to wife and her reacting as if it was a wedding night Were rooted...the focus was on 'sanskaar'! Worldly things will come and go...

But now we live in a globalized world...we thought economics says, 2 plus 2 equals to four...but now just four is there...noone wants to know four requires some inputs as well...
Probably, new economy is helping people become 'intelligent' and enable the country to get modernized.

Dipti was right, I have become obsolete...!
“Ramu…… shut the shop....forever..!
Mr Parekh was walking back to the home...and he stopped midway...looking for victoria's secret gallery and nokia gallery..!

He was no more dejected...disappointed....he is obsolete now...
Yes, i, Ramu, watched this all...!

White Stick

Its not so quiet evening, with kids running here and there in the middle of the busy streets. I was lying still. Body was not moving but thoughts were moving at the speed only thoughts can! Wondering about my existence! My purpose! My contribution! It has taken a complete civilization to understand my own self!
I have been subject to numerous researchs, experiments and criticism! So, that at least keeps me constantly in news! I have never shied away from the attention I have been getting! A complete privilege, indeed!

But, then, half of the world feasts on me and other half is hell bent on destroying me. Even those who love me, blame me for all the troubles. I wonder, why? I have always been loyal. A delight. A soother. Then why they want to eradicate me for mistakes, which were never intentional on my part. I have been used, misused. But I have also been customised, decorated, provided with best of care, ultimately to sacrifice myself!
Have you seen how people care about sacrificial lamb? They feed him, nourish him, and keep him healthy. All this is done, just to consume him, finally.

Writers have written books on me! Compared me with all the sins and pleasures!
But am I more harmful than other eternal favourites of writers?

They talk about females! Descendents of Venus! True. They are. Fascinating. Intelligentsia fantasises about female beauty! Their anatomy! But think of me! Am I less beautiful? I think I am exquisite. World is crazy after triple headed beast of 36-24-36! A rare occurrence yet, admired, craved to no end! Even if one of the measures is not balanced, it takes a complete lifetime to get them in shape! Women deceive themselves on account of these number games! And Men are made to deceive under this numerological trap!
Whereas, i, always slim, well proportionate! No issue of fat, diet, out of shape! Whatever you put inside me, I am containing it. I don’t even increase men's perennial confusion! How many men are sure about what whether they would prefer, Angelina jolie's lips or Meg Ryan’s? Whereas, I will always come ever so smoothly on your lips! No tantrums! Just kiss me softly, and I will please you until my last breath.

One of my masters says, girls are cruel and I could not agree more.
You never need to make any extensive preparation for me, no apprehensions, no fear of cruel reactions, no ego, no oversmartness, and no petrified emotions!

Trust me!

So often, they talk about love and beloved ones. Illusive love! Understanding between two fools or plain need based compromise or best way to deceive yourself or just something beyond an ordinary human's realm of definiton!? What’s common between me and love? We both are addictive! We both finally die! But that is it.
I am better than love. Think, how?
Love burns your being, your emotions and finally you! Whereas I burn myself to please you. I destroy myself to calm your nerves.ok; you can blame me for harming
You as well! But then, by the time I harm you, didnt you had unlimited pleasure? Didn’t I ease the pressure on your semantic sensory feelings? You completely used me, misused me, and behaved as you wanted. I never protested. Now think about love? One night of immense pleasure and two nights of tears. Love makes you anxious; woried, craving, desperate and I provide the solution for all these. If I affect in the final analysis then love also does that! You can cure my affect but can you ever cure love's after effect? If I am hazardous physically, love does it on emotional and mental plane!
Physically you can recover, emotionally ...well....! ?
You don’t trust me? Ok, take this famous comment, "I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up fag. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to breathing fire again, and that was better"!
See, Even great minds justify my usefulness.

Do think honestly. Think rationally. I may be bad but better than bigger vices of girls and love.

Take my artistic worth! Many writers have produced their work based on my shape! I can be circular, weirdly shaped and more so even shapeless! Lovers try to create faces of their beloved in my shape or rather shapelessness! Watching my smoke coming out of 84 MM length reminds you of watching a girl dance out of her dress. I have even received many compliments. One which truly honours me is, by Gulzar-

"Itna lamba kash lo yaar ki dum nikal jaaye,
Zindagi sulgaaye yaaro gam nikal jaaye!"
Now that’s some compliment. Though, my feet are firmly established in ‘plants’.

Always available at you fingertips, my serene white colour contains a sweet elixir. I carry it and kill myself slowly just for the sake of two legged animals. While kissing me, keep silent and think of fire in your mind and heart.afterall, world is nothing but a jumbled collection of wind and smoke.

Well, you can try to leave me but think of the missing factor.
You will feel fit. Suicidal but fit.
You will feel different. Slightly irritable, moody, deprssed but you will feel different.
Lungs will be fine, but mouth will be aching to suck me. But lungs will be fine.

Now I will take your leave. My master is craving for me! And it feels good to be kissed by him.
Breathe my fire, fuel your desire and let the life burn itself as destined!
Sometimes, you don’t feel like living unless you are killing yourself.

P.S- Smoking is injurious to health.


Faithfully yours...
White stick.

Jigsaw Memoirs -5(The End)

That was the only mistake I committed. Because I knew my mistakes could slowly fuel my mental destruction, and will eventually leave me with nothing.
But soon enough, I made the top echelons forget that episode with my subsequent performances. With time flying by, my targets kept on being more specific and elite! Politicians, business tycoons, famous celebrities kept on adding themselves to my victim lists.

It was a high seeing fears on these faces in their times of reckoning! Those very public faces always belied a fake confidence and self-belief which actually stood naked when they faced death. In the privacy of their bedrooms, there always was nervousness, tension, fear of losing it all and 'will it last long' Question hanging from their bitter faces!
It used to be an ecstatic feeling finding their destiny in my hands! One push of my finger, and they are gone!
I swear, I could not have traded this power with any other thing in my life!

The power of controlling others destiny and the power of being able to be a slave to Amanda!

We just completed two years living together! We colored the world with the hues of our passion! We could not have enough of each other! Our love makings never needed any aphrodisiac.
When I found shades of meek mermaid, I nurtured her. Holding her in my arms as if this is all she needed. When I found her rousing Lioness streak, I surrendered...
Waiting to be burnt in her burning desires!
Waiting to be a victim of her claws!
Waiting to be lost in the maze of her never ending tresses!
Waiting to be scratched from her shining nose ring!

Whenever I found her teeth in my neck, it was a feeling of all of my pains being sucked away!
It was a stress reliever seeing many mischiefs dancing on her little nose!
Her expertise in household affairs did not leave me with any scope of even a single complaint!
Her temper, was little volatile but when you are in love; you embrace that anger because you find it an added attraction!

Don’t we love "despite" instead of "because"?

One of those unending nights,
Amanda, am I a stupid mortal trying to mark my place in the world?
Or am I a lost Fool trying to find my place in the world?
Or am I a twisted Monster dreaming for happiness in my hollow world?
Won’t you please judge me fairly as I am trying to bring forth my dreams to reality...!!

she took my head in her lap and almost whispered, Let the world break you down as if you care, you have got nothing more to lose, like shattered glass!
Fly into those Pieces you are already torn and you know what, there’s a way to shine, if there's a will! And you have plenty of always say, you tend to hide in your dreams, so I tell you 'not to sleep'...just keep loving me...!

She never questioned my frequent night absence! She did not feel like asking and I did not feel like explaining!

Though, lately, whenever we made love, somehow, i started having uneasy vibes of her body not following her soul! The rhythm of her skin was not in sync with mine! I glanced at her and her eyes said nothing!

It was her desire of having a baby! I was not comfortable with the idea but did not resist either! I was sceptical about my own ability of being a good Father...she understood it and assured me!

People say that life screws us all....well, I just thought! You know what, Daniel? I think its time to grab a hold of life, bend it over and say: "Alright it’s your turn...! What the heck..!
Who knows, probably my not having a good childhood would have resulted into my turning into a good father!

And when I held little Meryl for the first time in my trembling hands, I realized what I would have missed! The joy was beyond my existence!
I had never cried so much! I had never cared so much!
Destiny had just changed! I had just become father! A proud father...

I love you Amanda!


And in my profession...i was just promoted...Meryl had brought me luck...rather than being a mere pawn, i was incorporated in the decision making hierarchy!
Now I could order instead of executing them! I had to study, analyze and strategise about our targets! Though, supposedly, i became more powerful, I started Going restless! I was itching for action..!
The sight of blood...the sound of bang bang! And finally, my eternal aphrodisiac, 'power'! I was missing that power..!

Though, number of killings had decreased! We were firmly established as the instigator of fear factor! Frequent killings had given way to short calls!
Wanting to have a pie of this lucrative industry, new sharks had started rearing their heads! Time had come....action was about to begin!

What makes one stop loving? What makes one's love for his soul mate reduce?
Or just a forceful wave of emotions for someone else?
Did I err? Or I failed to revitalise the already rejuvenated relation?
I never got any warning! I never saw it coming! Love makes you take things granted! But then, girls are ruthless and love is barbaric!
More so a lady is like a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know...


For one month, I remained thoroughly engrossed in my work! I forgot Amanda, I forgot Meryl! It was time to pay back to my calling! It was time to pay for my Things which had given me, identity, power, dignity and sense of being alive! The sharks had to be tackled in the best way possible!
Elimination was the only word, doing the rounds!
How, why, where? That’s all I had to decide!
I was given a free hand! And brutality was unleashed! I did not hear bang bang for a month!
All I heard was, it’s done!
One more done!
One more gone!

....finally...the ruthless efficiency reined! A job well done..!

And one fine day, chief told me, how good you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are rather fortunate that your condition is not permanent. And you're Lucky too because Red eyes suit so few...I instantly knew, I was ready for even bigger roles!

The only regret was...not being in the arena...performing actions...!

And when I came back....on the onset of Christmas...
I did not know, Santa Clause had brought me this gift..!

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the... universe that day...

Few anonymous calls!
Amanda not so willing to make love!
Probably, PMS... pregnancy syndrome...
Probably mood swings...temper...
But how long?

Bolted door and hours long whispers!
"What’s wrong"?
"I do have a personal life and I don’t really feel like welcoming any questions!"

Ok...i will wait...
I did...days...weeks...

"Why don’t you just kill me with the love you won't give to me and fill the wound with salt....? I want to feel it bleed...bleed profusely...
I continued...
"Why don’t you just share, what it is?.."

"I wouldn’t prefer to explain it! I think, every relationship comes up with an expiry period! The other guy fascinates me even more! Call it love or whatever!
Though, I still care for you...!"

When lightening strikes you, normally you are not alive to feel it..!
I did...was I shattered? Broken? Or completely numb?...let me find another metaphor..!

"No other reasons?" I murmured...

"Not at all...isnt it all very natural? We never had any promises. We did not even marry...! I just got bored honey!"

Fair enough...

Trap of emotions..!
I hate these tears! They always have to come out in most inappropriate moments! They love to disclose your heart condition! They love to make your already Shattered heart appears even more fragile! In those times, they work for the ones who broke you! These tears are the ultimate ditcher..!

The regret of not being in the arena...not performing my perfected actions started resurfacing...!
I looked at sleeping Meryl..! Don’t worry angel..! I will be guarding you..!
Amanda was looking beautiful...! Her closed eyes yet again, revealed nothing! The marvel statue glistened even more! Not a single flow..!

The bosom still felt Alive as if the heart inside wouldn’t want to stay away from those perfectly carved curves! The cloud of black tresses were swimming in the red liquid flowing Underneath her...I touched her colour suited symbolized her
And it just completed the picture...the art...!

I kept on holding her...didnt I want this all my life? Didn’t she want this always?

Target had to be her heart..! That’s the place I belonged to...
Just two shot...

"I love you Amanda...more than ever before...
And I love you more than you do..!" and I kissed her goodbye...! A kiss of death!


I was back to my farm...lying down on the soil...feeling the dead body of my unwed wife, which was nourishing the corn on the tilled land and corn had just Started’s a green burial and a sight to behold...yes, she is buried beneath...even after her death. I can still feel her...

I religiously keep a bunch of white roses for was supposed to be her job but nevertheless, I am performing it...
I wish you were happy... that's all...
Sometimes I just tear my heart open but I sew myself shut. Probably my weakness was that I cared too much. And my scars keep on reminding me that the past is More than real. I just tear my heart open, only to feel. Probably you've had enough of it all, but then, you left me here to wait!

And I, all over again started feeling the rustic mix of red blood and black emotions...

"Father, where are you?..Its getting dark....wont you come back...?!!"

Jigsaw Memoirs- 4

Slowly I started gathering reputation in my work. No-nonsense attitude, hundred percent track records was taking me to new highs. My evolution was faster than the light. Nothing in the whole universe could keep up with my evolution.

I spoke less and thought more.

In this world, having friends amounted to nurturing potential rivals. So, I had none. I was not into daily affairs of the organization. Even we had hierarchy and Departments. Being a sniper was a tough job but extremely enjoyable and satisfying. One needed to be accurate with a non-wavering concentration. There were few More like me and depending upon the timing, locality and expertise we were assigned our respective tasks.

May the demons of invisible inspiration flow through my veins was a pleasure touching the blood of different humans, once they were dead...
At times I wondered, if I am cut in two pieces, instaed of blood oozing out, pieces of that metallic beauty would come out with a sound of bang bang...! Wouldn’t that be a right dedication to the profession I love?!

I was living a double life. I chose arts as my subject because it fascinated me to no end.infact; art and killing were almost similar. Both have no methods, no Logics behind it. But both possess an inherent beauty. One could just feel it. It comes from inside. When one kilss, it kind of paints a beautiful picture. Instead of brush and colors, one uses metallic beauty and blood. And the end product is almost similar.

One always feels, it could have been slightly better. A Bit more refined, a bit more contrast, and few more drops of blood. Now it appears wonderful!
A job well done, finally!
She held my hands and clutched it hard. I felt a lump in my throat. A craving, desire and an eternal wish of losing myself to someone, to Amanda! Her eyes said nothing!
I felt like saying nothing! It was complete dark with few streetlights devouring it of complete dominance. We sat in the garden firmly holding each other’s hand. I felt a touch of her beautiful bosom. She did not react and I kissed on her cheeks.

She should have kissed me back...!
She should have refused me!?

Just a silent smile and her whisper followed..."Give me something good to die for... To make it beautiful to live"!

And Mother Nature witnessed a beautiful amalgamation of two broken, thirsty souls...

Her body was carved like marble statues...smooth as silk...not a single flaw…
Eyes started speaking...

“I love you Amanda..! “

It was hard to differentiate between her divine anatomy and purity of dewdrops scattered on surface! Which one was more pure!
The winter fog had given way to summer heat and in a moment of bliss, I had found elixir! I just had an encounter with divine...

I was witnessing a grand scenario of her true self...a placid, calm lake giving way to fiery was making me swim and the other was burning me...I Could never decipher which one I enjoyed more...

"I love you even more Amanda...!"

"Daniel, My soul is old but my body is new, you and I are forever eternal, all I have to do is find you. Can you find me as well?"
I needed not to answer...i trusted her to understand from my silence...there was no one else to be trusted...

I could feel her tears rolling out from those magical eyes! It was tears of ecstasy!

I don’t remember how long it lasted but when it did, I felt as if it has just started...

She murmured...What is essential is invisible to the eye...our love...we both are angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other..

"Daniel, I love you more than you do..."

"I wish..!I just wished...!"
I did not realize that I was falling in trap...a trap of emotions...which further leads to expectation..!
Right through my years, I was this guy with controlled measures...emotions make you more humane but then it also makes you vulnerable to failure..!
No wonder, I was living a beautiful dream...
But, now I had started dreaming...wanting to have her company all day through...
Meet her...see her...feel her...touch her...smell her...and what not?!

But there was no escape route...!


"O death, come away, come away!
And in sad world of mine, let me be laid..."

My mother was wailing...i passed through her room...and after years...i heard her voice...!

"Why are you alive?"...
Don’t you get tired of seeing me?
You are worst than our father...!"

She continued for almost an hour...i started feeling a surge of rushing blood in my veins...
I was used to her hateful stares...and it never affected me...
But today everything seemed changed..!

I was living an out of the world professional life is going good...I am rapidly climbing the hierarchical stairs...

I am in love...
Now everything needs to be perfect..!

I don’t have any idea, where those two melodious sounds of bang bang came from!

"Sound of bang was a real turn on for me..!"

I had no desire to kill my biological mother..!But I just did...with same precision...and single minded-ness!

But why did not she get tired of hating me!?

Why did not she notice, what you take doesn’t kills you
But she should have been careful about what she was giving!

Her hatred healed me for long..!..Thanks,mother!

I kept her head in my lap for hours...!
Outside, stars were falling like tears from the past!..But let’s keep singing...

"O death, come away, come away!
And in sad world of mine, let me be laid..."


"I love you mother...."
Life remained unchanged...and love kept on the extent of addiction...
But then, love is always an can’t have enough of your beloved..!
Our mornings used to start by calling each other...our nights culminated by calling again...sweet nothings..teasing..understanding..sharing..caring...and finally falling asleep...

We had no, soon, I and Amanda were shifting together...the distance was getting unbearable...

In between, I committed my first mistake of not finishing a target along with his family...! I spared target's kid...

"Trap of emotions..."

Jigsaw Memoirs- 3

My work demanded me to have a dual personality, keeping a facade of no-nonsense attitude! And I felt I was doing a good job.

I was good at academics but there was this other side of mine which relished dark world...dark imagination, dark fantasies, dark real simulation!

I guess, I drew my inspiration from a story where protagonist lives a normal life during day time and as soon as clock turned 12 at midnight, he started having
This werewolf characteristic! A dual personality of man and beast!

I feel, a man is incomplete without beasts. In an imaginary world, if all beasts are gone, man would be deprived of solidarity of spirit! We humans always tend
To follow whatever happens to beasts.
I was just aware of this fact and did not want to go against the cycle of nature.

I don’t have even remotest idea, how does it feel to have a happy childhood..!
Guys used to bully me in school. They always mistook my silence as arrogance and repulse. Slowly I learned to tackle them. I joined them and thus opened door to unexplored world...inside the door, there was blood, courage, mystique and a great feeling akin of being atop mountains of macabre!

Amanda and I were playing the game...i knew, though reluctantly, that i had fallen for her!
I was not sure how to approach her! I could not take a "No" from her, though she would not have said so!
On one hand I was apprehensive about my true identity and on the other hand I wanted to unleash my dormant passion.
Whenever I looked at her, I felt like holding her and planting the most passionate kiss humankind had ever witnessed!
And her eyes?! Well, they tried to show nothing! Yes, they tried....

The difference between a man and woman's in matters of heart is, a man would confess as soon as he can whereas a woman would prolong it as long as possible!
Unfortunately, this time, both were on the same side!
Finally, one sunny evening, lady luck smiled! Our eyes met and a silent greeting nod followed!
Few more good mornings...then few more smiles...and then language of eyes started changing!

College cafeteria...”two espresso!”
“No, one black coffee please!”

While offering her chair, I felt a sharp intake of breath and I had never witnessed something that gorgeous!
It must be her breath...

Clinical psychology was my profession but to girls, this subject comes when they are in womb.
And every time, I felt I was being dissected! Harder than previous time...

Perhaps it's time for me to stop being a whisperer and start being a Screamer!

My first role in a crime was of a mute witness!
I watched in silence as others performed the job.
Blood in my veins were speeding my fear to the heart was pounding and bells were was midnight!
And I could not sleep for many nights!

I realized I still have a conscience...which was laden with cruel and vague imprints of time...
But it’s better to be scarred than average! Your life starts finding just needs to let loose of it...

Time had come to perform my first job under the supervision of my seniors...
Instructions were simple...

I was handed this metallic beauty! It was chilling cold and heavy. And all of a sudden I felt responsible, grown up and a Man.
No wonder, it was a heady feeling.

I went over to the parked car...
Knocked the door...
Inside, an ugly man and a not so ugly lady were making out.
I had to shoot that man.
It’s done?’s Done.

Lady was shocked, blood all spilled over her scared face, fat neck and half opened blouse...
I remembered my mother! And two more shots!

A job, well done!

"I had arrived "!

It was a night to remember!
And the cub was basking in the glory!..I was youngest in the gang..!
That was the first night, I slept peacefully....
And it happened...our first touch..!
We held hands...under the pretext of shaking hands...none of us moved our eyes away and none of us wanted to blink first!
Finally, I did!
Slightly embarassed, slight blush and waves of excitement erupting inside!

We started having weird but fascinating conversations!

One evening after, an interesting conversation, clandestine touch, meeting of eyes and few more cosy feelings...we started waking towards her hostel...

"I like you...."! She paused...

I said abruptly,"isnt it something we both are aware of!?"

"I know! She exclaimed, her nose ring shining bright in fading light!
She tossed her hair, held my hand and what followed were few words which later on defined our relationship...

“I want to Thank you for being here with me now...
If ever, I run away from you.
I want you to follow me like hounds...
Please, don't take away anything,
Even your sadness, which you have never shared with me...
And all the days that we've lived so far have left some or the other marks on me, without me even realizing that...
There isn't even one memory I don't need..."

A soft, tender, warm kiss on forehead...and night was shining even more bright...

And the beast was waking up…..!

Jigsaw Memoirs- 2

Once again I was trying to sleep and as always the goddess of sleep had decided to betray me! I could never guess, whether she did not want me to lose to
Nocturnal mistress or she just loved watching me staring at her in utter darkness...

Whatever little I could manage to sleep, I dreamt a lot...doesn't Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our
Lives, away from prying eyes and worldly discriminations?

Suddenly a harsh noise disrupted my thought was a sound of broken glass...
For once, I did not want to move but then I did.

The old lady was sitting blank...I glanced at her once...and silently picked up the broken pieces of glass...

She started at me...a poisonous, humiliatin stare, it was...just the way it was yesterday and day before yesterday and don’t remember now, since when!...

Even in a world of make believe, there has to be rules and here rule was my familiarity.
I was always very familiar with that stare...that particular...ever so consistent stare gave me a comfort...i was scared of imagining any other stare in those
Cold, brutal pair of hollow eye sockets...and I am comfortable with those eyes for more than two decades...


"Tring tring! Tring tring!
Yes...i replied...
"Another assignment is awaiting you!"...

I headed for my destination...closing the door behind..."
knocked the door.

A pretty lady with luscious long hair opened the door! There is something magical about long hair! Reminiscent of a web of dark clouds where you feel like
Drowning yourself and never to get up again...

I controlled my aesthetic emotions...and forced my way in...
A man in his mid-thirties and a 4-5 year old kid were dining together...the pretty lady seemed to be last cog in the complete family wheel.

What do you want? The person demanded!

"Your life"!!..I replied...

A faint line of glistening sweat started bustling on his forehead...

“You seemed to forget your deadline! I will count till five...i need the entire cash right in front of me!..”


"I..... Cant..."


I smiled and said..."congratulations! You just wasted 5 seconds of your life! You fail! "

Who can pass judgement into foolish circle of war? I, all of a sudden, smiled to think that there is pride in bloodshed...

Three gun-shot!

It was all over...very always!

And a small family died happily ever after!


By the way, old lady in question was, rather is, my mother...!
Since the time, I woke up to this world; I have always found her like this...

Few whispers say, I am an illegimate child!

Few other opine, old lady is an unwed father left her behind after conceiving me...

Few other knowledgeable persons claim, they had married, and after my birth, for some mysterious reasons, my mother poisoned him!..
(Poison must be very cheap compared to a human's life then...)

Few other more familiar and self-confessed intellectuals revealed I was adopted. But I came as a curse to this family and snatched my father's life and
Mother could never recover from that setback and lost her mental equilibrium...
Lastly, some dying whispers said, she had a very colourful youth. She is said to bless many thirsty souls, taking them under her ever flowing fountain of beauty
and amorosity!

Sometime one should just suck lies like sweet wine and some other time, I believed in, lies which were told to helps in making the difference between truth and
Fiction going blurred...

I accepted all of the reasons and divine truth said above...Infact I might go on for long to justify one point and own another indefensible but then it is more
Honest to confess at once how little I am touched by the desire of accuracy...!

Daniel and that’s me, was known as a hard-working, no-nonsense lecturer. I used to teach clinical psychology.
That was my day time profession...far more respected profession than my actual, dark, passionate deeds performed in the silence of nights!

and i loved being isolated and focussed on task at hand...whatever it was!

I was relatively young when I joined this and as youth has it; this girl Amanda caught my fancy!
A brat to the core, she was an arrogant and badly behaved woman! But then, well behaved women rarely make history!
Chiselled features...well proportionate body...dusky...and not without my weak spot, long hairs....! But in the hindsight, she was far from perfect but then there is no such thing As perfect...a thing like flawless beauty would be blank without any appeal and character. Its scars (internal or external) are what define it and what
Inspires emotion... and from that moment, it becomes art...

She was junior to me and I could feel some, about to be ignited. long lost passions! I tried being oblivious to it but my ever so suppressed emotions were
Getting better of me...

every time, My common sense told me to listen to my muse; and everytime,even more fiercely, my muse told me to disregard my common sense! I knew, love heals but
Then for me hatred healed better than love!
Struggle was going on…..

Jigsaw Memoirs- 1

Having a house with a lakeside view is always a sight to seemed like a virtual paradise amidst the crooning of colourful birds, sun settling its
Dust after its day long marathon...tranquillity of river making a splash in the untouched parts of my heart...
was taking a stroll nearby lake...creaking of fallen leaves was holding my nerves to ransom...whispering winds were gushing through my rough skin...

I loved toiling on my farm...nurturing the soil with my sweat...relishing the experience of my being and my solitude...and when I lie on the breast of mother
Earth, listening to its heartbeats, I felt like an artist lying on canvas to show people the truth...

I always had a thing for appearing calm, unruffled...but I just had a thing...inside, the four chambers were painted red blood coated with dark black emotions
Underneath...never realized, when blood and emotions got mixed up...whenever I smelled that brownish black soil which was known for its fertility and high
Yields, something inside just starts stirring up...rearing its head and innumerable neurons ache...

Sometimes truth is so horrible that it will haunt your dreams forever...

It pained and it pained until I heard that voice....

Father...where are you...its getting dark....wont you come back...?!
And all of a sudden I was at ease with myself...slowly gathering my composure back...back on the tired yet trusted feet’s...

Meryl!!! Where are you my love?
I am right behind you father...I could see her angelic face hugging my legs from behind...i took her in my arms and hugged my little joy...

That’s the joy of fatherhood...just one look at her face and everything gets buried...
She has oval face just like Amanda, her mother...her big eyes as deep as ocean...and a smile glancing through broken teeth...
Amanda was serving my favourite food...i loved watching her from the corners of my eyes...continuous dripping of warmth and affection...ever so graceful body
Language...sophistication is a virtue...with Amanda it was an unfailing regularity...

A woman cant be a good cook unless she prepares it with love...and whatever she cooked ,always bore a testimony of quality...i could never find a reason not
To find the food delicious...

I asked her, how was the day?
Quite perfect...she replied....
But the undertone gave me some other vibes...

Tell me, something bothering you sweetie?
No darling...not at still intact on her glossed lips....

There was something strange about my sensitivity! Quite weird...quite unreasonable but it had a bad habit of being right almost always...
I did not want to feel that she was not willing to tell me...lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...guess, it was Amanda’s
Style of having fun...

I took her in my arms...planted a deep kiss...was losing myself to her long tresses and full lips...
And I stopped...I just stopped...

You know, every person possesses a tool which has many shades, types, and performance matrix but its core is called feelings...that tool is feeling...people try
Reading, analyzing, interpreting your tool using their own tool and finally finding a perfect tool and striking at the heart's G-spot...

I did not find her there. Her body just contained an animal lust rather than usual passion...she was a strong lady...kind of a bitch in the street but femme in
The sheets type...Amanda wondered...and shrugged...
And night passed silently...very silently...
Meryl had to have her dinner from my hand...and a song running in the background...a story...
And her father...making her sleep on my lap was my religion...and i always fulfilled that...

Father, dont you miss mom?
I miss her terribly honey...
Then why you don’t you call her back?

Pin-drop silence...



Never has there been a time, when I thought myself beautiful. I saw only my flaws when I looked in a mirror, and saw only the problems to fix.
Only ruined flesh, and scars. I saw only the pain inside and not the smile on my lips. Broken promises...
A turbulent childhood and scars of yore...

Amanda promised to heal those scars...without me ever asking for that...
Until that night...

sometimes loving means letting him/her go...and some other times it just means holding on to the other person as hard as possible because if I dont,one blink
And they might our's case i am still wondering who disappeared..!!!

I was back to my farm...lying down on the soil...feeling the dead body of my wife which was nourishing the corn on the tilled land and corn had just started’s a green burial and a sight to behold...

And I, all over again started feeling the rustic mix of red blood and black emotions...

When Harry Met Sally...

One of the funniest things one can come across is attachment made in the realms of virtual world!
Counting tens of those stupid sagas of eternal bondage harry whimpered in disbelief!

How on earth people can like someone? Even moreso, falling in love sound so unrealistic! They haven’t seen the people, ven’t touched their object of affection and more importantly did not make love and still they claim to be in love??

“That what love is all about, his friend countered!

You just feel it, go through the motions and dream of being in never land with she by your side...there are many such examples where such virtual relationships concluded in a blissful future...”

Arrogant rascal that he was, he retorted, what crap?
“...for those few, I can show you millions of failed ones...

But no, you guys won’t understand as the fallacy of perpetual romance blinds your eyes...

You people won’t fancy your chances with gals in your vicinity...rather go for the worldwide self-defeating notion of finding romance in a maze of impossibility... “

Your call, folks! Don’t say later that I did not warn you...

Well, his friends were used to his ever so potent disgust and pity at so called link-ups....!
And he never budged up from his stance....

As luck would have it, that was until he met sally!

While googling for some notes because of his project work, he met this self proclaimed wild cat (her net ID) character named Sally!

The initial impression of sally to him was a cordial, sweet character who knew how to mind her business...

They were poles apart yet astonishingly similar in few regards...

She gladly exchanged her notes and he in a moment of unidentifiable humility added her in his friends list...

Just for the heck of thanking her...

Once in a while they used to get each other's forwarded mail...that was the only mode of communication...

One funny evening he got her forwarded mail for those "please help me, i am in dire need of B+ blood group" kind of attachment...
Typical of his “I think the best ” attitude, He hissed and mailed her,
“Do you really believe in such pleas?
You must be having better things to’s so weird....”

Well, if you meant I am different, and if you also meant, weird is just another word for different then I'm differently weird and loving it to the hilt...

Ouch! The wild cat rubbed arrogant rascal in an apparently wrong way...

"Ok, let’s talk and discuss rather than passing silly mails which I totally unidentify with..."

Cool...give me your yahoo ID....

Thus began the sequence of unending chats....
Countless poisonous one liners...
Millions of egotistical statements...
And a mutual hatred whose basic fundamental was making other kiss the turf...

None compromised and no one ever thought of not talking again...

"Give me your number and let’s finish it"!

‘I can’t imagine myself tolerating you on phone....’

‘Show me your guts babe...’

‘Kiss my ass..!’

‘Give me a chance, honey...!’

‘You are crossing the limits...’
‘I never had any limits...’

Ok, let’s finish it.i.e.because; sally being the good girl must give a chance to a poor soul...



All the rage humming inside since long started vanishing as soon as he heard her voice....

‘yes darling!’

Gosh! this you?

‘Of course dodo....’

And the end all conversation took some unexpected turn...

Lunatic Fantasy- 5 (The End)

"You know what's funny? The act of laughter; which is a sweet contraction of the muscles of the face, and a pleasant agitation of the vocal organs. It's not Beauty or in the jurisdiction of ourselves. Simply put, the essence of laughter is...Insanity".....

Words of wisdom by some anonymous insane!! Based on this revealation, i can be safely termed as insane because full throttle laughter was my hallmark which Got lost with the passage of time!

Coming out of prison, i was forced to venture into the last stage of one part of my life...people started viewing me with Suspicion and my own 'real world experience' in prison made me a victim of depression which was confirmed by my psychatrist! He also found some traces of abnormalcy in My behaviour.

Depression, my foot! What’s depression? Residing in heaven between two beasts that have run out of hell! Yeah, that’s depression!

Inside my ruined interior, lies my vague belief that would be changing many not so proportional equations.
I started waiting to be promoted to the next stage of my life..

at times,I stare outside my window and the sun creeps in silently, wondering if ever it will witness my naked soul!?
Perhaps no, it lost in the transition and so will I!

Just for few eternal moments, i intend to leave behind my traces through my writing and words...but...what to do with a fallen soul in the corners of my own unfairly glorified but utterly hollow existence...

Perhaps an echo of an angel who will never return!!

My double personality kept sticking out of the cage of my flat and friends don’t bare your are not being are always restrained...

It simply implied why dint I cry to the appeasement of their non-existent largesse...?
Why should one weep when you cry for no one?

Why should one weep when you live for no one!

One just lives for one's own fucking miniscule existence!

But I had some other plans. Taking to the grave whatever was in my heart..!

You still think, i have many things left unsaid in my heart!? This diary is the testimony of my nakedness!

Nothing is more expressive than shining nights but our face is composed of darkness wherein we try to fake its presence! Mirror yourself in the night, and one gets to view the dark face and even darker reality...

I was accused of pulling people towards me and making them dependent, finally to turn them away...

Was I wrong?

Why should others just be a part of good side of my persona? Aren’t they supposed to absorb my negativity as well?

No, they won’t...because their life is full of misery and misery has a habit of loving company but to their dismay company does not reciprocate!
I was hailed because apparently I showed the breaking of dawn and yet I left them in dark to grapple with last few pieces of demons! They didn’t love it and I was not loved for it either...

Diary, have you ever witnessed mourning of birds? When one of them dies, they keep flying over the cliff, in search of flower fields...they just go on without ever staying to cry over a gone one...
when they fly,they are hovering around air,clouds,stormy sky! Can they afford to leave those exciting and challenging parts of their journey and instead, mull over where they buried their loved one!

Am I comparing humans with birds?

They did not send me to exile for nothing! Perhaps I am looking for something which doesn’t exist...just like notion of me embracing the dark...walking in the light and hoping twilight to find my way in this life...

I am dreaming with my eyes closed...Aah...

Life and living seems so easy with closed eyes... it also helps me in running away because the truth of loneliness is hard to resist...and I can safely disappear...!
Why I am alone despite knowing no one is there to help me?
Precisely because of that....
if ever you make my gravestone, give it a weathered look...allow few flowers to grow across it...make a stone structure of lips and put it on the top of gravestone so that when I close my eyes, i can feel that I am planting kiss on the lips which I have missed...

I will also request stars to continue hanging from sky with the help of those little strings...but never ever ask me where the strings are attached to.....!!!

Else, i might get angry, things might go out of hand because I would not know the answer...

I will need just one companion; solitude! I beg you...don’t take it away...I can’t stay away from it...

I am being eclipsed on the brighter side of the moon...never to be seen again to ordinary mortals...

Dried up passion for life and living like a drop of unseen tears in desert...

I was just an experiment of this world without any name.....nope!

I was named lunatic...menace for society...anti-social because I tried to fulfil the virtue of a human. A strong human...

Loved because I was needed...
hated because I did not cry...
forgotten because I was detached from world in general...!
And praised because I knew humans are prone to being subservient...

Yes, I was just an experiment of this experiment which did not fetch any results....

Lunatic Fantasy-4

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done
What I've done.......

That how a popular song reads like! I ve heard that it’s against a man's ego to cry. Even I feel so. Even bigger issue is a man's failing to acknowledge his mistakes! So lest you get puzzled in non-existent intricacies, let me forgive myself for what I have done though I am not sure what exactly I have done except good things!!

It’s raining heavily since I have come here. Rain god always follows me as if he is overwhelmed with my presence on the earth. It is said that the rain will Wash away all your pain but for me it’s just a reminder of the past...

Life is complicated and girls are cruel yet I fell in love with a mesmerising body for the nth time (for the sake of change this time it was mutual!), .but my existing passion termed it infidelity. She wanted to hold me forever. I felt suffocated.i backed up my ability of loving many gals at the same time and quite passionately. They never believed so because our civilization says polygamy is equal to infidelity and you must be loyal to one. But thinking of it, when I can be loyal to many, shouldn’t I go for that? Listen to the wolf inside of you and it howls in a self-interpreted language.

"You are nuts"! The oft-repeated accusation hurled at me!
I m not a closed Book. I am wide open. I am just in a language one never understands.
With all my rights, I reject your reality and substitute my own!

True to my experimental nature, often while making love, i preferred being a female and let my partner turn into male with complete command.
Treat me like a slave!
Torcher me!
Make me travel the vicissitudes of pain!
I liked to see those red spots on my body and her bosom. It used to give me the kick which no other drugs could ever provide me.

Recently a female was admitted in the asylum. Barely in her twenties, she stripped once in the gallery and was laughing like only insane can laugh..
i thought she was meditating and interacting with god through her laughters.i instantly fell for her once I saw her in her birth suit.
Do you think I am lusty am not because only through physical contact one can touch, see and feel the soul of other person.because, once you touch the body, you can actually experience the rhythm of her skin, the beats of her desire and movements of her delicate persona.

By the way, during all this mental and emotional turbulence, my first girlfriend was murdered, killed by her existing flame.i managed to see her beautiful body
Turned into an embodiment of ugliness because of autopsy. Nevertheless it was still worth desiring for. While mentioning her body, i wonder how god would have delved deep into his/her imagination while carving female anatomy. He must have practiced hard like a blacksmith who keeps hammering hard on a hot metal until he transforms it into his desired shape.i also think that female's sexual orientation is more intense, afterall eve ate apple first.

Coming to her death, probably her obsession for sex and drugs led her to her eventual fate.i was summoned for interrogation because of my previous relationship with her. What was supposed to be a normal interrogation turned into few days of remand! Police said I was high on grass and they found my appearance suspicious was beaten to hemmorage, offered to sexually starved inmates who had me for dinner, breakfast and lunch.
I managed to survive, because in my past life I was immortal and this life was giving me same signal. Bleeding profusely I kept on requesting lord to forgive them...but I realized Sweet words
Spoken through jail cell bars hold little charm.

I had revenge on my mind but then Revenge is for those who do not have the patience for karma.but,Patience Is also death In Silence.i don’t know what I finally believed in!!
Why I had to go through this ordeal?
I accept, everyone has evil in them...mine's just a little more apparent than others.but was that the only reason?
This incident left an undiluted impact on me!
Afterwards, happiness just remained a word to me and Heartless and Nobodies became my friends!
Life just turned into a metaphor and usually its life that scares me to death.
Things were unfolding fast and my prison stay was just a mere glimpse of interesting times ahead...

Some anonymous shithead said, “I am a man that follows a path despite my eyes that tell me that I don't know myself...that I am actually a path without destination..."!!!
Was I slowly beginning to see my reflection in that abstract reality..?!

Lunatic Fantasy -3

It’s raining heavily today and all the inmates want to go out to get a feel of first shower..! But authorities are not allowing us...what the heck! It is not a democratic set up where we are forbidden to indulge in any pleasure...i shouted at the ward boy but he slapped me hard, threatening to devoid me of my I supposed to not voice my wishes just because they will keep me hungry?

Nevertheless, why to argue about those psychos who are treating us insanely sane persons...few pages of my diary are totally blank...just the way my life was once upon a time...

I fell in love with...obviously a girl! I had yet to discover my equal attraction for males. Though I liked a male's physique, their strength and the oozing masculine power...but I often wondered how it would feel to be indulging in sex with a male... wont be fun..No soft spongy feelings...n worst; you are required to penetrate a stony structure with a small nail...i know that’s a dirty way to put it..

Though...sshhhh...should I share? When I was 9 years old I loved watching Baywatch. Those bikini babes in red!!
My parents were quite strict with cable telecast, so I used to wait when they will go out so that I can fulfill my voyeuristic desires...women anatomy always fascinated me even to the extent that I had a physical relationship with a guy at the age of nine..I showed him baywatch...fuelled his desires, albeit unintentionally and soon we were locked in his one room shanty...

what also helped me, he was a poor guy and I had some clout and he could not refuse me...though what we used to do was just climbing on each other, kissing and rubbing against each other..And yeah, he did start enjoying the act later on...did you feel that was ugly? Excuse me...vulgarity lies in the eyes of beholder and brains of you sophisticated morons...
Oh...that was a golden period...and why not? After all what is life all sex (natural...unnatural does not matter as long as you are pleasing yourself...)

Hope you keep this secret!! So I was telling about my love life...that chick...she was amazing...she smoked...she drank...and she was open to all kind of propositions...and that’s why I loved her...while glancing into her eyes, I felt as if the whole world has faded away into a light of bliss..
She was lusty...horny...and above all she made me feel like a prince...I dreamed of having my harem full of femme fatales of all breed...some desires are so wonderful..Just having them in your eyes and heart make the world a beautiful place to live in...

When she left me for another guy who was rich and had built, I felt heartbroken...
No. actually I did not..! I thought...Just the replacement should, if not better then must be equal to her...crying was an option but how long the shoulders to cry upon last? Probably somewhere between nowhere and goodbye. So I did not cry...

No...Oh...i did sometimes..! Though I never acknowledged those occasional drops!

Today we are scheduled to play volleyball. Doctor says, it’s good for our health. And if females inmates desire, they can also join is so tempting...I must impress them...I will wear that black dress which has just one torn mark...though I will try to hide that. I make black look smart on me...hehe...

My girl friend was a victim of child abuse...she was abused by her dad when she was just six...and kept on being abused till she attained puberty...then her dad left her for her younger sis..Her mom had run away with an alcoholic...ironical...because to get rid of one alcoholic she left for another leaving behind her two toddlers in the clutch of that beast...probably he was sexually starved...I don’t care girlfriend was pure in an impure way...
Yesterday few rats entered into my cell and roamed around my lovely body...initially I screamed but then I stopped, thinking it is me who makes the nightmares why should I scream..!!
I love the way I think...aint you liking me? But if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way... Run and cling to life...I am here to stay...

Here in the asylum, they don’t provide non veg items...and I hate that...they are not allowing me to contribute in maintaining ecological balance...after all why should not I eat fish? Do you know why? Because fish do not have any feelings...i discovered it long back...while I was cutting one fish rather dissecting it to check how it looks from inside with blood oozing al around, it did not scream...nor did it dint even close its eye lashes..
It means, it was willing to die or it does not have any feelings about living and dieing. Now think of it...had they allowed me to live a normal life in the world wouldn’t my great insight would have made a great difference in the!

They did not...and they wont...and thus depriving the world of a suffocated genius...
Who cares...their loss..!I am happy...

I have lot to tell. More like I would keep on bleeding songs until the lyrics sexual escapades...survival mantras...and hell lot of eerie tale to tell...society calls me a devil but they never acknowledged they created this devil..I wanted to live life without harming any I feel I am close to becoming a demented permanent resident...

Will go now for volleyball...with my partners and hopefully those lusty females...till then let me bleed inside and crying in the out..I will die a living death in those frantic corners where no one will hear my unheard shouts...
Adios diary...

Lunatic's Fantasy-2

"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and finally for money"...well said sir...whosoever said it..! But in my case there is a fourth option. For the sake of self! Or have you heard of a lunatic being paid for writing diary?

In fact, the doctor will execute me for writing stuff beyond his not so visible intellectual domain! Poor doc! Working 24/7 amongst a rich crowd of insane and in the process almost on the verge of losing his sense and sensibility! Yesterday, I saw him scratching his head on my case file! Reading my history, trying to pinpoint the exact cause of my perceived insanity and still clueless!

From the days of my one BHK flat, I loved being lonely...It was really satisfying to see my smart face in the clean tiles of my flat...the mixture of white tiles and yellow coloured walls and the magnanimous presence of white roof top...those were my closest acquaintances! I used to be at prime in night...providing solace to night is so lonely without the howl of a wolf so was it without my silence...just a single light..With music playing in background and plethora of beautiful ladies residing in my subconscious! Needless to mention I was loyal to all of them...hehe...the heart is made for loving and to dance on the beatitudes of multiple heartbeats...I never interfered in my heart's basic function..

My heart had few broken pieces resembling artist’s palette and I always tried to use narcissist’s approach of mine as my paintbrush. And trust me, I carved out amazing paintings! It’s a different matter; those paintings were never sold or even understood! Alas, my thinking of abstract being most precious form of art was proved wrong! They threw all of my art works in the garbage before taking me to mental asylum. But that was long after.

I guess, I am really insane! Or how would I explain things with such details? Injection is having its effect! I am feeling sleepy but I want to write more...
guess, I am really insane! Or how would I explain things with such details? Injection is having its effect! I am feeling sleepy but I want to write more...

Oh, where was I? mates used to visit me and always complained about my life style...probably they never heard of Bob Marley's "who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect - and I don’t live to be...”! They never understood! I never complained! My one complain would have become a national issue had I ever done it once! My not complaining became a complaint...probably it was a power which could not be fathomed that easily! Though, I was moulded in the form of a pair of soothing yet firm shoulders to cry upon! It never really occurred to them, that those shoulders don’t last long, eventually you have to learn to pick yourself up! It did not matter to me either.

From the face of one of the most caring human being, my face started to resemble to that of not so caring human being...they opined...your face is kind of funny...your face is kind of sad..
I kept mum with a wry smile...if that was not saying something, I was!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. Bow to the statement.
Isn’t it? The varied reasons of my being paranoid had their roots in my optimism. I always thought, it doesn't hurt to be optimistic. One can always cry later. Optimism is an infectious virtue in the short run. Better not to wear it on the sleeves. By the time, I realized it I was no more found fit in the balanced social structure!

Why ink drops are troubling me?’s cold out there, but I am without clothes. Doc has punished me for not adhering to the rules of this sanctum sanctorum. But I am not feeling cold. I am numb. I just hope no nurse or lady docs come visiting or else, I will be in deep trouble. Hehe...i have heard reports that I am a fertile male. Though, I don’t get any chance to check its authenticity. Oops...they will kill me if they see such statements. Isn’t it said that, vulgarity lies in the eyes of beholder. But that new doctor is really pretty. How I wish to be treated by her. :))..

I think, I wrote very seriously today. Very bad. Any ways, Life’s fucked up in that funny sort of why am not I laughing..? Hehe...i am laughing. See, it’s so easy...tomorrow I will manage a new ink bottle and then I will write my diary again...

But lunatic is sleepy now. In this severe cold, on the rough tiles, with out any blanket! But its fun. Unifying my naked soul in the embrace of mother earth...and watching four colourless walls...scary roof...and water leaking from the corner...I am happy..very happy..

Lunatic's Fantasy...1

The dimensions of insanity are always virtuous! Is it tough to believe? Thought so...but what you will make out of it i.e., this piece which might appear very fancy but at its core, it will be hollow...and barren... (Hello..!!! Which it is not!)
But nevertheless, there is a chance of one getting impressed with abstract! The first sign of insanity?! Then please define me sanity!
Firstly, I won’t be convinced. Secondly, even if you manage to make an almost negligible mark. Then, Sorry, I don't remember having such a useless thing like sanity, in the first place. Hold on, hold on, Please don't speak... it would spoil the illusion I have that makes you intelligent! After all, you all are perceived intelligent in the worldly view, whereas I am just trapped in the cage!
Because, the doctors say, I have been put into the right place!

But then, why am I blabbering? Simple...look at me! I crave attention! Indeed, I am insane...and indeed they are right! They say, I go through the bouts of hallucination. Thinking about the things, which don’t exist? But then, I can claim, I am creative, because, only people without imagination escape into reality!
“I just had a mischievous grin on my face.”

another thought which striked me, If I start caring what people thought I'd never let go of my space...though, now that I am thinking to think about it, it's a very nice option. Isn’t it? Should I attempt caring? Let me give it a try from tomorrow!

I'm a freak in my own mind. Hehe. That sentence is so catchy. If my doctor reads it, he will do two things- will enroll me at Oxford and publish this line in his own name. I know him, the Rascal. Not rascal, rather bastard! He shaved me top to bottom! I miss my hair. They say, hairy male have more sex appeal. But now, no female inmates would develop a fancy for me! Jealous morons.!

No one ever told me the exact reason, of why am I here!? They say, I had lost my mental balance. I was becoming more of social menace!
I used to believe in the things, which people found unreasonable and impractical! Look, I can so clearly talk about the things which were said about me and still they say, I am insane! The fact is, I am talking all these after receiving electric shocks! Am I still insane?

Oh, wait...two tear drops came out of my empty sockets! Let me rub my nose! Oops, it’s looking so colourful...totally and orange! Giggles! :))..Yeah, that sign is good. It conveys my giggle very accurately.

Doctor also said me that people no longer identify with my feelings, my thought process! But, what befalls the flawless? Why should I mould myself in other's desired shape? Isn’t it said that, wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are? They, themselves did not believe it! I have a LIFE! You moron, it is in capital letter. Don’t you get it? LIFE. I did just one different thing, whenever life gave me lemons; I squeezed them in people's eyes and ran.! Was it a crime? In fact, they should have thanked me for showing them a wonderful use of lemons. But no, I am put behind this bird's ass size cage. Filthy freaks!

They think, they are very smart. Smart, my foot! All of them are negative. Sadist. Why don’t they understand, if they are going to be negative, they should keep it to themselves! Go, Wallow in your self pity in the freaking closet, where no one can see and no one will provide you a fake sympathy!
I cry, you also cry and that way, we both will achieve a sense of gratification. Oh, crap! My nose is running again! Where is my tissue paper!

For me, hell’s a party and I'm on the list. The numero uno invitee. GRIN. :)). I am living my own life, for I will die my own death. By the way, why do people have to die? What purpose this inevitability serves? Oh, yes...To make life important. Tell me, how an officially declared insane person can come up with such answers! I guess, my higher education paid it off.
Please, please, make my doctor understand, I am insane because, otherwise I won’t survive in the outer world. This is not a matter of chance, but, rather choice.
It’s a long struggle to pick up the forgotten pieces of my existence. I don’t get the solitude in this asylum, when my mind used to feel like going to all those confusing roads! I miss those moments!

They are shouting at me for why am I keeping lights on at this late hour! Let me go to bed with my running nose and loose pants. They say, even if I wear nothing, it won’t make a difference! In response, I try to keep mum because, I tend to become homicidal when people try to reason with me!
I guess, I am embodiment of their darkest fears, boiling their blood in grains of poison...and that poison is being gifted to me as of now!
I am going to sleep with my eyes open and a lovely heart but forever spoiled mood! They say, moods have no loyalty but still it should be heard! But they won’t! I know!

A page from a so called insane's personal belongings, found dead and buried in the mental asylum!

Poetic Encounter With A Whore- 6 (The End)

If something is worth having, it wont come easy...a thought, repeatedly haunting the poet since ages...
what if I am unable to find her? Will I survive?

Well, I am...but does this life have any meaning without her!

Won’t she come back on her own?

And the hunt continued with a picture of Stella in the Diaspora of concrete jungles...far flung places...a rage building inside...

Though the carnal instincts often overpowered him...this time in the lap of Maria...
But Maria was no Stella...

Grappling with her new found status and caught in the web of men's lust, desires and emotional fallabilities, Maria could hardly be called an expertise and soother...

But the poet was hardly concerned...waiting to be broken down by world!
Because he hardly cared, lost whatever was precious to him...a living replica of shattered already torn piece flying into anonymous pieces...a simmering anger had become the normal state of his mind...waiting to be erupted...

"Born to rule an empire, destined to tear it apart
Don’t give up, your miracle is on its way"...

that was the sentence, adorning the main page of Stella’s diary...and the miracle was in a way, typical of her...that is, not so convincing to the ordinary mortals...miracle being her own conscience...her own acceptance of the past..Her sense of getting rid of sins by serving in an old age home...

She even thought of death few times, wondering why fear death which is has to embrace it someday...

Shouldn’t we fear life, an ever changing thing, ever rearranging itself and where one is never sure of what to expect next?

Few moments of rare self doubt engulfed her persona...

"I used to be unique and rare but now I am just like in a billion..."
but then, another trademark steely resolve pushed her...

“I will face myself as was my wont! Will cross out what I have become...
I will hold my love once again...feel always...
The eternal sunshine is witnessing my metamorphosis...”

It was during one of those chance encounters with a stranger and next day poet was knocking at the door of that old-age home...

Murmurs inside...few blurred voices...

Poet’s heart was pounding...

And Stella opened the door...

A moment lost in translation....!

A brutal silence was hanging in the air...waiting to be inhaled by love lords....!

Unblinking eyes....
Few tear drops....!!!!
Blink....!! Blink...!!

"You remember this look, poet murmured...!

The light of life leaving my dry eyes...reminiscent of a water drop in the Sahara...I am still trying to come in terms with my existence and my lost passion for life and living...which dried up and left with you...searching for you all eternity...."

I knew we would meet, but never expected this to happen so soon...that’s all Stella could manage to say...

THEY hugged each other...

It was a hug which was waiting to take place since aeons...the hugs followed by kisses...and the two became one...

And hours passed...

No one realized...none of them cared...

She was laying on his shoulders...her eyes half closed...

Poet kept looking at her face...moving his fingers in her silky tresses...

Poet thought, “there is something very magical about her divine has two being the one that is looking at me...seems more like daylight...
And the other one being more expressive, mirroring night...”

Let’s go back to home...our home...poet said...

It will take some more time; Stella in her half naked postured replied...

Not this time!! Poet shot back...

Yes, indeed! Because I want it that way...Stella answered....

Stella was thinking...”am I paving a path to greatness? One deviation at a time...then another...and then never seems to assumed power on him is absurd and its intrinsic value equals to defeat and yet defeat seems to be everything...

Poet kept mum and thinking....
"Why is it happening with me once again? And how is it happening? Why is it happening that she can feel alive without me? She claims to be in love! And yet she wants to stay away from me once again..! Does it really suits me just like everything which has taken place in my life?"
...the rage, kept hidden and silent for long, started rearing its ugly head...

Love does not require one to be submissive all the time...
This time, i won’t let go of my wishes...!"

Stella, are you..?
No...Stella reaffirmed her refusal...

Complete darkness...few heavy sound of suffocated breath....

For next few moments, they both did not realize what actually happened?

And when the storm abated...

A body was lying in the pool of blood...

Same divine face...this time...slightly more deformed...lying face down... silky tresses adorning face and back...dead on those brown wooden surface surrounded by blood, four walls...broken plasters and a hysterical man...who was standing point blank..

What was left behind was a torn note fluttering in Stella’s diary...dated few days back...
"Why is it happening with me once again? And how is it happening? Why is it happening that she can feel alive without me? She claims to be in love! And yet she wants to stay away from me once again..! Does it really suits me just like everything which has taken place in my life?"
...the rage, kept hidden and silent for long, started rearing its ugly head...

Love does not require one to be submissive all the time...
This time, i won’t let go of my wishes...!"

Stella, are you..?
No...Stella reaffirmed her refusal...

Complete darkness...few heavy sound of suffocated breath....

For next few moments, they both did not realize what actually happened?

And when the storm abated...

A body was lying in the pool of blood...

Same divine face...this time...slightly more deformed...lying face down... silky tresses adorning face and back...dead on those brown wooden surface surrounded by blood, four walls...broken plasters and a hysterical man...who was standing point blank..

What was left behind was a torn note fluttering in Stella’s diary...dated few days back...

Poetic Encounter With A Whore-5

Breaking the cacophony of silence, a petite shadow emerges out from the ram shacked place. Radiant smile, firm posture depicting her well carved flesh and bones. One can’t ignore Stella. Seeing her, it gives a feeling that her soul, her spirit is truly manifested through her body. She looks as though she is floating...Flowing hair, eyes still, a mocking resemblance of a dam holding gallons of waters, toned up body, reminiscent of an eternal virgin and yet making the onlookers feel as she is not aware of it! Or rather, she deserved to possess all these virtues!

No one could actually gauge the actual reasons behind her working in that place.old, broken people with looks displaying a lifetime of unfulfilled dreams. Stella is trying to ease the pain in her own silent way. She is a companion to all but her companions....??!!

Her Diary bloating with random emotions was privy to some of the most unguarded moments and lexis...

"People find it weird, leaving my best lover and working here anonymously. I Am Addicted to This Perceived Fate. You don't really have to support the reason as to why I left. I had a cause. I needed to fight the demons, the ever so shining presence in my life. Childhood trauma, forced occupation and the bliss of unmatchable proportion. Can’t you Support me so that I can come home to my despaired soul-mate? It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow. I faced the rain, relished the flick of sunshine and preparing myself for the eternal sunshine by enduring the prolonged rain."

The red cover of diary was witnessing the words inked with black and emotions of white. Diary had its aura of taking it all, even the sense of understanding the words.

"I still want to drown myself in his arms and die in your lips. The closer I am to the Light, the greater my Shadow becomes. And I don’t find any reason to not to accept that. Probably my husband was the light, I always craved for. My poet was a real artist! He was an artist of emotions. Overworked, underpaid, and starving.
Whereas I am actually a standalone character, so I don't actually have too many collections which I'm aware of. But the concept of managing natural phenomena does intrigue me, so this kind of stuff is likely to reappear in some other standalone character's life as well. Will I be misunderstood again if I walk with velvet feet and make no sound at all? Can’t I sit in the doorway at night to watch the darkness and face its full might?
What I am trying is to be aware of what remains hidden in the day. For it may harm the unwary. Life’s no fun without a good scare and I want my lover to realize this."

"If he has loved me truly, it will suvive...Buildings burn...People die. And yet the real love lives forever." Humans used to scare me. He changed that. He made me fall in love with humans and their fragile emotions. I never realized everything can be drawn. Even things that can't.untill he came in my life."

"Just a Flick of his thin Wrist, A nonchalant Wave Of The shapely Hand, he helped me Dismissing the World in a One Night Stand. My wedding night. Was I expecting anything more than that? Won’t it suffice, if I achieved the designation of a wife and made love in the capacity of my husband's better half? Will it be a sin if I confess the dreams in which I'm dying, Are the best I've ever had...?”

Diary had numerous such scribbling which no human being could ever witness. What to make of diary's destiny? All it can do it to absorb the said and felt. It also carries few marks of dry tears for unknown fears. It was sitting blank as Stella was feeling nausea and had a bout of puking. So in a moment of recollecting its experience….

It kept wondering, Why Do We Have To Lose Out To A Memory?" almost always. Diary wished it could convey its feelings to Stella that 'you've always been A Great Piece of Draw. A Perfect Poem That no Poet got yet to write..!! Or just a moment, someone tried to but couldn’t complete?'
The daily chores and overflowing emotions was making Stella tired. She signs off...
"Loneliness is a widely understood thing. Yet greatly misunderstood. The puzzle will be cleared soon. May Life take you hard, and Death takes me easy. Our meeting again is inevitable. In flesh.

If not so, then, who will stop me from seeing you at the cemetery, and then we'll be reunite again. But that is the last resort. Before that, a thousand things will happen. I have to say I'm favoring this other than the reason that it's good. Its rationale.

I am hoping for the best, just hope that nothing happens, a thousand clever lines, unread, on blurred pages of my diary and choked heart. I know you won't ever ask if I don't ever tell you. I know you better enough to know, confess and boast that you always loved me and I loved you back.
From dust I was, to dust I’ll fall...
And the end will justify the means...

Poetic Encounter With A Whore-4

Time and again, I am forced to conclude that writing revels itself in solitude.
Circumstantial evidence?
its when you cut yourselves out from humanity, stopping all modes of communication, does the flow of your innermost feelings come out in its most natural form.primarily,when you write, your first communication is with yourself. Talking to your being, the unspeakable, the greatly non-understandable yet screaming to be heard and share in a tell all mode.

Should I admit, whenever I write I feel irritated, grouchy and solemn? But that’s when I express myself the best. That’s the strange world of writer.

And pain is often the most overused theme of such write ups.but it’s a pleasure to express your pain. Probably pain ends when you continuously endure suffering.
My friend, the poet, told me that, so many difficulties have reined on him that he has stopped suffering.isnt it incredulous? Thinking of it, now it’s like, whenever I don’t see any apparent difficulty, I wonder what’s wrong with my natural cycle of life. Its tough to fathom a life without, all of a sudden, seems meaningless.
Aah! That added spice of difficulties which adds flavour to daily chores.

Probably, the day God created the intangible of pain; He didn't do another thing except sit down and smile.
I doubted, but poet insisted, Walk in my shoes, Hurt your Feet, then know why I do dirt in the street. Metaphorical? Not exactly! It does make sense.
He felt so used to pain that he occasionally did not realize the transition of pain into pleasure. The process itself was something to die for! Once you get into that groove of suffering your life keeps on dancing. And yes, that dance does not differentiate between salsa and mambo.

I guess, he is yet to overcome the momentary departure of Stella. What was expected to be a sooner than later return of her's, had prolonged into some eternity. The pre-mature wrinkles on his face said it all.

I would rather be a free man in my grave than live as a puppet or a slave! He exclaimed! But...for few of those days...and few of those memories and the best night of unadulterated passion!

I sat watching, helplessly! Although, I was less than amused when she left away abruptly and yet in a defining manner of few unsaid realities of life!
He blabbered,
Life is a fleeting chance. Try not to screw it up.
She didn't!
If you find it difficult to digest then Read what I mean, not what I write.

I wanted to take her hand and walk through my dreams and while saying this he was swathed in sorrow, as if born within its mask.
Take this life. I'm right here. Stay a while and breathe me in but I never knew, that 'while' would be just an unforgettable night. But always the summers are slipping away, the winter creeps in and I could never witness the blooms of spring.

I didn’t choose the road less traveled, otherwise I would have wondered where the hell am I?? But my road was paved with patience and love which had yet to manifest itself in its complete potential.

He was moaning and with his each moan, I felt a tinge of nostalgia in my pierced heart.

Where sins were once
Not of my own, not of her deeds,
But God had never planned to save our soul...
And I waited eternally,
Standing in an ocean sun.
I dream and I sob,
And I began to hate myself
For the things that I have done
For the things that I should have done,
On an ocean beach!
In the maze of wonderland
Which could never be mine?

I told you Na, pain brings out the best! And the poet was no exception.
Tears streaming down incessantly from poet's dry eyes.

What I am going trough,
What I am trying to go through,
That I am not trying to tell you anything,
You didn’t know when you woke up today,
And you wouldn't know when you wake up tomorrow!"

He gave me a new lesson.
Pain often craves for evil. To come, to perform, to establish its authority. Not that evil is always undesirable.
“Evil is a concept most don't understand; we don't do things because we are bad people, we just don't know of anything else.”
And that’s where evil sneaks in with hushed whispers and deeds of insurmountable magnitude.

“Dark and beautiful, Stella, the angel with the skull instead of the face is my object of desire, my object of passion, my object of love, my object of hatred and Stella, my woman is my object of sunshine in ethereal darkness.”
Poet could not have said it better. And I could not have understood less.

I asked, she has hurt you! How can you still love her?
Poet gave me an enigmatic tearful smile! I will recite you a quote...

"There are only 4 questions of value: What is sacred? Of what is the soul made? What is worth living for? What is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. You know it?"
Its only Stella.

My life was a destined conflict between light and darkness. The dictate of the Light used to say, 'Know yourself and who you are!' whereas the spirit of dark replied, 'By all means, but then become afraid!'"
Stella did both.silently.prophetically.

Poet said,
If I could just laugh every time I am supposed to cry, I could have made world a happier place. Let me pick up the pieces of an old life? How to you go on? When in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back or there is?! Who knows! There are some pains that time cannot mend. Some emotions go too deep, enveloping your vague existence...!

"What great prose might be?
Into the sea of chambers,
And sky of silence,
And history listens,
And people wail!"

Well, I will not. I wish, I could say something to poet, my friend. But let me be silent.
As poet said,
“If you find it difficult to digest then Read what I mean, not what I write.”

Poetic Encounter With A Whore-3

Broken wings are keeping me here, so I’ll make the most of it while I can! She murmered.Between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before...Stella said, using her tongue twisted humour, on her way to the bureau, which I could not comprehend fully yet I smiled. Months of persuasion and huge amount of patience had finally paid and Stella agreed to marry, me, one of her regular customer. And thus, we registered ourselves as husband and wife!
By no means, my one room shanty was better than her whore house and yet I could feel her tranquility. It was a strange feeling, having her as my wife amidst all those sneer and suspicious eyes in our respected society! The vehement opposition from well wishers who had appeared like mushroom out of nowhere, the killing remarks about my social standing and the deadly consequences I might face in the coming times. Considering my own weird but timid nature, even I was surprised at my courage, although owning her was too great a stimulation to be avoided! Probably madness was my sanity.

In the name of welcoming my bride, all I had done was arranging the scattered pages in my room. But she seemed unaffected of the size of the room, the stare of neighbours! That really astounded me. I always knew her to be a strong lady but the serenity and monk like stillness she was displaying was much beyond my expectations.
Imagine the insults a blessing; imagine accepting the truth, was her plain answer when I could not suppress my curiosity. And who are they, to dare to pull the stars from your favourite sky? Stella asked with unmistakable glint in her eyes! The sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour, my dear hubby! And she grinned! That word 'hubby' was so significant for her!
It’s our wedding night. Although I have passed through many hands in numerous dark nights of my existence but still it feels a new life as if I am a dignified virgin waiting anxiously to be touched by my love! This was my childhood dream. Waiting for my prince to take me at his abode where I can forget who I am, can lose myself in the eternity of this very moment! Life suddenly seems a fairy tale story! And I could not miss a chance to be someone's wife! I could not miss a chance to get my home, the home given by you!
Touch me not with your hands, but in a way that I can feel you...she moaned. I held her in my hands and took her to the bed. Her hand closed over my shoulders and her burning lips forced mine thirsty ones apart. I could feel her arms moving all over my body as if it was the first tender touch of a violent soul. I felt as if, I have disturbed a bee and woken up a dragon...i tore apart the silk garment she wore underneath. It was like reunion of two perpetually hungry beasts clamouring to tear apart each other's ravaged souls. The excruciating pain was healing us. The bites of her's were filling the vacuums of ever so starved happiness of mine. Her lips sank in the hollow of my naked shoulders.
She had that figure of a Greek goddess. Watching her naked, following the line of her neck, her breast, her body attentively, seemed like a perfect stature made of flesh and blood. I whispered, with my lips on her cleavage, oh stella...stella...i so wanted to have you as mine...just mine...she just smiled and the pink glow quivering over her body turned red..She could feel my legs like a hot mercury liquid against her parted legs...she whispered in a trance...cry without weeping, talk without speaking; scream without raising your voice. My dear hubby you made me complete today. She had tears flowing out from her eyes...and I was kissing the raindrops on her cheeks.
It was an unblemished night.the perfect it could have ever been! I can actually say, it was a peaceful sleep or semi death. It was our first night together, as husband and wife. Suddenly life had seemed bright, cheerful.i could actually visualize the world being bright after a long time where I am able to see its colours.i had always excelled in mediocrity since conception and I considered this as my happiest moment. Probably, by the power of honesty, I, a living man, had conquered the universe. I could not suppress my smile on my own exalted state of mind.

It was our first morning together in our home. I turned around to seize my beloved and found the bed empty. I shouted, screamed Stella...Stella...but could not find her...I found a note under the pillow...

“My dear husband! Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once? Probably this is not the Stella you know and imagine to be. If there could be any sort of expression I could justify as mine, I would have showed you. That how happy I proud I am to have you as my complete you have made me...and how glad I am to be endowed with marital blessings and feelings of being a wife in a people created society. Here I was an ordinary thing and waited for someone to wipe my dust and clean my souls of purged me of all the sins committed by me...this one day of my life will help me survive and flourish ever so gracefully in the gardens of thorns and few flowers..
But I can’t escape myself! My answers can not be found in the writing of your wonderful poems. The only reason that people give, is so they can take later gave me so much and even after that I am taking away myself from you...”Forever I will wait until I can see the stars above, for the pain clouds my eyes. You are the one who showed me that pain is all but an illusory dream of nothing but happiness. I am my world...which consists of me and your memories...
...I have Less concern about fitting into the world...the people's world that is...because it doesn't really matter are my addiction and I am running away from you..So that I can preserve you in the closet of my heart...
If there was a single day I could live... a single breath I could take... I'd trade all the others away...
Consider me, just another ever fading memory. We lived together, and you will die alone. And I will have this satisfaction in my life...i am still married...owned by soul is yours...
I expect nothing. I fear no one. I am free now...
This is my freedom in a life of, I’m not afraid to Dream, to sleep forever...When our wishes are granted, all our dreams will be destroyed...I am depriving myself of one last wish. There Is no pain In the process...Lot of guts, little vision to wave...I'm lost in the void, but I'm not, My star is with me..
That Which Has Never Truly Lived, Can Never Truly Die...last night I truly lived...
My dear husband...i love you, that’s why I am going away from you...and the truth is you could still slit my throat, if you wish...and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your attire...
My love will always shine in the light of the candle besides our bed...
Stay happy...
..Eternally yours wife..!”