Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Rambling Ragas-3

Some time back, I had a strange encounter with this weird girl. Young, free-flowing and mischievous. What took me by surprise was the fact that, she was not willing to reveal what I wanted to see. A fa├žade! Ebullience masquerading in naked openness! She was open yet closed. Though she seemed at peace with herself but at the same time, there seemed to have a fading indication of running away from something. I enquired. She replied. She seemed honest yet something was missing!

I asked, can you explain yourself in few lines?

“Well, I can try!” “I like colourful candies and quantum physics and high heeled sandals. They always make me feel pretty (oh so appealing, I feel cute and witty and dazzling!). Sometimes I even wear heels while running. They are uplifting. Can you tell I like bad jokes?”

Now Mr Jay, what was that? Guess, fair enough description!
I probed further; she disclosed more but the simmering restlessness of missing some point was still there in my heart.

She went on; she is wandering like Yankee since two years. Surviving all alone. Meeting new people. Knowing new perspectives. And finding freedom. Finally, after two rambling years, she is into her ultimate and supreme adventure.
I enquired, how can you be so sure of this being your final hurrah?
She replied, I know it instinctively.
I wondered and asked so what’s this final adventure looks like?
She responded, “I am battling to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage”.

For once, I could not reply. What kind of spiritual pilgrimage is this? Leaving all your relationships, your responsibilities, career on hold and acting vagabond?
Yes, she said, somehow, I was no longer willing to be poisoned by civilization so I fled and walked alone upon the land. I fled, but I am liberated now.
The world is intrigued with people that they can’t figure out and I am no exception. I said, does your liberation amounts to being a decapitated corpse who won’t feel any pain, any longer? If that is the case, my asking so many questions would be more like kicking a decapitated corpse in the groin which would accomplish very little.

She countered back,
“No, in fact I feel more alive now.
You see, what I found was we humans are like roads which are meant for walking and that’s what we will always do but every now and then, those known and unknown pedestrians are going to walk all over us.”

“I belong to a metropolitan city. Before I started wandering out, I had this thing about the sense of touch. In any real, big, bad city, you walk, you know? You often brush past strangers and people keep bumping into you. But in actual, nobody touches you. I was always behind this shield of metal and glass. And the reason people keep bumping, keep crashing into each other is because they miss that intimate/personal touch so much. And because of that crash they manage to feel something.
I wanted to feel things, I wanted to feel everything! I have touched many things and I have been touched by many as well!”
“You see, everyone dies but not everyone really lives. I think I am living.”

I was zapped. Eyes fixed at her. Her nonchalant expressions were making me fall for her.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Rambling Ragas-2

Needless to say every journey is fascinating. And orkutting was one of those journeys.

I sometimes tend to pamper myself by thinking that; I possess a marvellous talent of the art of wondering at every small thing in life which come across my way! Be it, changing dynamics of relationships, fluctuating mindsets, inconsistent loyalties or even fountains of love showered upon my being from unexpected quarters. Ain’t they small things considering their far too common occurrence? I even wonder how come I am not untouched by these miniscule events?
The logic says because of my living in such society!

What society? The society, whose inception has always been doubtful? A society where the ignorant reign? A society, whose basic premises stipulate that, enlightened must hold their tongues? A society whose policy deciders, must profess half-hearted dedication to a primeval allegory or face the catastrophic consequences of speaking their true mind?

Well, I can go on but I wonder, again, of its relevance!
In the inner world, Lunatic fantasy paves way for a much mellowed down rambling ragas, bereft of ethereal elements of my existence like, arrogance, insanity and anger. Should it be named Neurotic’s Notebook rather than getting lost in the mumble-jumble of ragas of ruptured ramblings?

But why mellowed down version? Have I changed? May be. May be not. Does not matter actually. We all change, everyday. Some by choice, some by chance. It’s quite easy to stick to certain set of people, certain patterns of emotions, a particular cigarette brand, Hayward’s or kingfisher strong beer and last but not the least writing in a certain way. Because all these “certain” things helped me in getting relationships, recognition, adulation, identity, attachment etc but then the moment I think of that I find myself chained up to these certain things. And that’s when I find myself deteriorating, every second of my existence. It’s easy to be stereotyped and it’s uncomfortable to experiment.

Choice was mine. I guess, I am fulfilling my 2nd biggest birth right after freedom! Experimentation! Yeah, I wrote that right!

Move again. Don’t get fixated on one particular thought. Creativity is always fragmented. So am I. so is this rhythmic rabble!

And when I think of movement and rhythm, I think of sea-shore. I would love to spend an evening on beach with mild breeze caressing my soul. There, at that very place, one can feel the smell of unhindered freedom which is right there, for the taking. Go, snatch it. Feel blessed. Or even better, bow to the dying sun, to its vermillion aura and its promise of coming again, tomorrow! Feel like touching that blue/green water! Yes, we love sea. We love sea-shore. We love its purity and enormity. We love its strength. And all that despite knowing that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong??

Guess, I am not too knowledgeable about sea except knowing few myths of sea-monsters, mermaids, Bermuda triangle, and trade routes etc etc. but I do know that precisely that’s the way it is here. It always has been. I don’t know swimming but I like to find myself at least once, to measure myself at least once in those harsh blows of sea. Isn’t it exciting to imagine, I am standing in the most ancient of human conditions, all alone, facing blind and I don’t have any weapons/instruments at my disposal except my own hands and my own head with a heart of gold! My! I am being so greedy! I have always been!

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Rambling Ragas


It was a weird week. Weird, umm...Yes, unless I resemble it to a stage of hopelessness, hollow or even desperate. Images kept colliding with stones of reality! It was a state of haunting past, few never thought before regrets, turbulent past and some certain discomfort of not-so-distant future!

How often do I feel like pondering over ever so endless journey, undertaken by me! Sometimes I seek my purpose. Purpose of my life and all that I manage to find is big zilch. Things take me to my own beliefs! My persona! Enigma or plain complex? Simple or pretender? I do not know! My beloved keeps saying me, you are a wonderful mix of various hidden and unexplored shades! I wonder yet I see myself blushing! Probably, the word extremist will spare me from all the adjectives! I Probe it further and I find an aesthetic voyager whose home is his tiny head and somewhat big heart! Escaped from home to seek ultimate freedom.

I meet all kind of people. Talk about males, females! I had an amazing assortment of variety! I have stopped counting types of shades I have witnessed in 1/3rd of my life! But the majority of them always chanted ragas of unhappiness. I kept on asking what makes them unhappy? Job? Love? Relationships? Parents? Friends? Yeah, mostly!
Fair enough!
What else?

And few of those other reasons made me think. Should I laugh? Or flash a wry smile? Should I try to find some sense behind those reasons?
Few of those reasons-

- He/she refused to accept me!
- I was proposed!
- I could not take my dinner/breakfast!
- A tiff with my colleague!
- What will happen to me if I don’t get the guy/gal of my choice!
- I have a bad stomach!
- Why am I not able to feel happy?

Quite genuine? May be, yes! I laughed. I really did. I even thought. I wondered. And what I found? Were those reasons were really insignificant to fret about or I had a larger perspective or they were right in their assessment? Why do so many of those, live within gloomy circumstances and yet will not have to take the initiative to alter their condition because they are conditioned to a life of protection, conventionality, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind. But if we look deep, in reality what could be more perilous to the audacious spirit inside a human than a safe and sound future?

I read this somewhere that “how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong. Wouldn’t we be better with passion of adventure at our very basic core! Essentially, the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun ".
Do I follow them as I write them? Yes, I do! That does make me lonely soul sometimes but don’t I have a right to be so? And if I have so, shouldn’t I accept it and move on!?

Almost two and half decades have passed since I have started walking the earth.
My sense of living says I have lived a luxurious life. Sometimes, I try to merge myself in the solitude of my surroundings! No phone, no calls, no people, no beer, no cigarettes and even no beloved! Ultimate freedom. In those moments, I feel blessed. Perfectly happy. I find no reason of my living and as Leo Tolstoy said in War and Peace, “If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed."
Is there any other greater pleasure than discovering the reason that life itself has no reason! Well, Mr. Tolstoy you better talk to Ayn Rand! I will join the party later…

The sensical nonsense is far from finished…
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