Rambling Ragas-6

This is not the best of time to tear apart your heart. I don't know. I really don’t know. Insomnia has engulfed my existence and all the faces are starting to blur together. All of them are saying something but my mind, vague mind fails to comprehend them.
While writing this, I lighted up a cigarette. My beloved’s voice echoed in my mind, “You shouldn't smoke. It'll kill you.” Do I care? No, I don't care. I guess, there’s plenty of ways to die. But you have to figure out a way to live. I have figured out that way long time ago. Now, I know that’s a hard way but Look at you, all sophisticated. You talk and you talk again. Polishing each and every word. Covering them under the blanket of selfishness yet you will never ever admit that you are selfish. Why? Because that’s not the norm!

I walk the streets at night now
I find places and things
I never knew existed.

But am I finding them or are they finding me?
In right and wrong, and the thin, fragile line between them.
And they are probably wondering, as I speak.
Why is somebody talking the way, he is doing?


I was tossing and turning in my bed last night trying to get even a few hours sleep. I could not get them and in between all of a sudden I thought of this word ‘communication skills’. This word was followed by second word, ‘virtual world.’ How hard I tried, I could not find even a bit of semblance between the two. Third word roamed in my mind ‘my proactive communication’. There were no co-relation yet I tried to find the relation between all these words. First and foremost thought which came to my mind is escapism. People who often visit and spend a considerable amount of time in social networking sites do not have a rich personal life. I, personally have a very rich personal life. Rich, very rich. The word ‘escapism’ rules in those peoples’ lives. Poor they? Yeah, definitely. How about those people having good communication skills? What the hell are you talking about?

As far as I know and understand, communication can be defined as balanced mutual exchange of thoughts where people are willing to listen to each other, where people are willing to talk to each other and willing to understand each other’s point of view. Now that’s a rarity, even in real world. Sometimes I have found people plotting about what they are going to speak while you are sharing your stuff. Imagine the disgust I feel! Here I am talking something, wanting to be heard and understood and there person on the other side of the phone is not at all listening g to you. In fact they are thinking of what next to say?
I love those people like anything!! I am crazy about them.

On other side of the spectrum, I find people who are simply incapable of understanding whatever you are conveying! They will always pretend that they are trying to understand you. Few of them won’t even give that pretense. All they seek is a punching bag!

Call you up! Blast their miseries! Go away! What a simple formula! Though few of them even have guts to say, you are my friend and I stand by you! Gosh! I can’t even laugh! See the irony! You selfish suckers! I know every human is selfish by nature. They have to be. No issues with that but show me the guts to admit that! Nah, how could they! Those lesser souls! How could they! Though few of them have this courtesy to say at the end of the conversation, “by the way, how are you doing?” yeah, I am always doing fine!

That’s the kind of people I meet in virtual world. 8 out of 10 are like that! And I love them. Because of these very people I feel like a superhuman! They literally make me feel how good I am! Anyways I like to feel good about my strong existence in my mind but thanks to these people, I feel even better! Virtual world is kind of stoppage time in life. You stop here, hold on for a while and better move on. Few relations, I mean few deserving relations who is based on mutual love, respect and trust will stay on! No matter what, they will stay! Few others, you better run as your ass has caught fire! I never understood how people lived with fear. How women afraid to be their natural selves! How people afraid of...accepting the truth of their inner selves.

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. The Weaker people.
It never touched me. And then I saw it touching others. Or perhaps I saw it late. Behind those arrogant faces and exteriors you see a vulnerable face. A weak face. And then you know how it feels when it touches them, you know...

I just could not realize that it's been there all along.....waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you thought to be tough, strong and balanced!
And then I saw their skins crawling...
..And my heart sickened...
...and I look at the person they once pretended to be
Walking down that street...

...and then I wondered, will I be same...?
Will they ever be their pretended selves again?

Talk to me. Look at this fucking crap right here.
Did you ever wonder Why don't my hands shake?
Why doesn't somebody stop me?

Now, almost everybody lies. But the dead can't.
And then again, the lies tell you things too, because...
...people tell them for a reason.
And those faces in the virtual world,
What are they telling me?

Did your hands shake?

But that's one of the benefits of being on the right side.

It's a fair question. You...i guess, I am not sure, perhaps, and you become someone else.
And these people have become someone else!

“A stranger.”

Sometimes that just makes it harder, you know. You just wish you didn't.



That’s the most important thing! Avoid the cribbers like plague! Because when you interact with such people, it is astonishing and numbing, to find that the person you are talking to is basically a stranger. One that has your arms, your legs, your eyes, and that person gradually acquires this power to make you a sleepless, restless stranger. You will find yourself just walking. Eating and finally just living.

They suck all your energy! I almost vanished, thanks to those humanly vampires! Making you feel like an organism that changes, mutates. Building sprout-like chromosomes on the DNA of your inner streets. And tell you what; they are damn good at it! Thanks to these bouts of insomnia, I feel better at deciding! I love floating. I love flying. I love my detachable nature. And I love leaving behind few dead relations. I would still love to make new relations. I would still love to rejuvenate old relations provided they have something new to offer because I have. I always had! Show me some variety. Show me you are not needy. Show me, you love being happy! Show me, you want to talk and listen and I am all yours!

Look, what I have got! I've got or I had got a show, a very lively show that’s almost finished. Perhaps it’s already mixed. All it needs is an intro and an outro, which I could live. But I do realize I've got numerous unending shows in various stages. And I've got all these stories in my life. You know, new stuff, better stuff.
And I know what I'm doing,
And you know that I know what I'm doing. Perhaps, I’ve been through a little bit.
Sometimes a boisterous laughter conceals much more than what actually it reveals. But i have a public and I'm not sure they are ready for it yet.
Look....I just need to keep living. Happily!

Well, this is me and yet again I start walking the city. A city which is like any metropolis which is an organism...But it is horrible...to feel detached for the place you once loved. And to see few faces you knew so well......and be afraid of their shadows.
It’s even more strange to see familiar steps but you feel unable to climb them.

You know I heard this story about suicide bombers over in Iraq?
When they die they want 72 virgins. What do I want?
do want whores? Do I want them while I'm alive?

No give me happiness, not for my sake but for own sake!
Not because seeing you happy face will make me happy but because I will stat believing others can be happy too!
Other can get out of that self-induced trap!

Someone is playing God out there...i also tried that…
Because I've been asked and expected to do something that was a norm from my won standards…

But I guess, its time for revenge! Yeah, revenge makes us feel good.
I know, The carriage held but just ourselves.
And Immortality.

Does it keep me up at night?
Does it haunt me?
Excuse me?

Because it haunts me.

But yeah, one thing is for sure,
There is no going back to that other person...
.. That other place.

This thing, this stranger..
That’s all you have now.

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Rambling Ragas!-5

Sometimes, I feel I want to know each and everything and I also want to be everywhere. I am ferociously young and sometimes idealistic too, some other times complete brash. And rest of the times, I am everything that I am supposed to be. My temper even propels a desire in me to fuck everyone in the world. But I guess,that’s slightly tough proposition considering my human limitations but then I am trying. There are great chances of me failing so I instead try to write. I normally don’t write all of what I really wish, what I feel. I wish I could. But life tells me, there are a lot of things I wish I could. Am I regretting? Hell, no! But, it would have been fun doing few more things!

I sometimes, repeat that sentence in my mind, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... gives me truth”! But what truth Mr. Jay? Haven’t you had enough of them? Are not you tired of balancing some bitter truth with hallucinating fantasies? Heart says, no! I so strongly perceive myself as a hopeless optimist and die hard romantic! And I love that perception more than anything.

So now a days how do I juggle my fantasies amidst those miraculous perceptions? Well, I say, I'm jay and the rambling habit of mine is yet to leave me...And as I desire, I constantly I walk the city. Sometimes, I bitch and moan about it and some other time, I just walk and watch and listen. I keep witnessing to the all beauty and ugliness that is disappearing from our saaddi beloved city. Few months back, I cajoled myself to visit the gray depths of the northern side of country. There, I saw few fishes swimming their morning laps like they have every morning since the time immemorial. One fine morning I walked by the lake of golden waters outside what used to be the greatest fish place in that region. And then I thought about my childhood friend kaajal with her dog ceaser and her parents who were always away. She also had a Bengali nanny who had these peculiar six hairpins made out of fish bones.


That friend was an adorable brat of my childhood. A little punk kid. But why am I remembering those days? Oh, yes! I visited that lake and that reminded me of visiting a similar lake in my childhood with our families. We had fun. We cooked our food on dry woods and that was the only time I ever went on a picnic with my family. I still remember how free and exuberant I had felt when we two brats ran around lake side with naked feet. Shouting parents, heavenly smell of chicken and few pebbles in my hand. I could have filled that lake with my pebbles.
Never mind sweetheart! Move on..!

You see, sometime, I feel like writing a story of the cities I lived in. but when I stretch that idea further, I feel those cities are fast disappearing before my eyes. Its people all swept over. Then how will the writer inside me would be treating the leftover of those stories? Would I be, constructing an imaginary city to house those memories? Because, I have no choice but to preserve those memories. They are precious. Very precious. And when you love something, every time a bit of it goes, you lose a piece of yourself.
So where kaajal would be sleeping tonight? Can I hear her ghost? Yeah, her ghost is wandering around the around the collapsing corridors of her beloved home trying to find her nanny's room. She is calling out to the construction workers in a voice that nobody hears: "Has anyone seen my dog ceaser?"

Well, this is Mritunjay and you've been reading to you know what?
I'm...
I'm not a face. I'm just a voice…