Thursday, 29 January 2009

Bastard of the party-2

It was my first full day in prison. I was subject to cheer and jeer by the prison inmates. I received an amazing reception in the place where people came to eat together. In civilized world, this place is known as dining hall, but here it was everything except dining room. The first bite I was about to had and someone from the corner shouted, ‘child molester has changed his taste! How come he is eating rice instead of supple flesh! ’ my non-reaction invited few applause and few abusive that are going to be eternal part for the rest of my life! A prison tend to cater all sort of criminals but special treatment is reserved to those who are there because of more innovative crimes of rape, molestation, pedophilic things etc. I was the newly crowned king out there. A king with no army and a toilet seat for the royal throne!

I was looking forward to college days more so because I kind of felt that agonizing days spent in the school will be left behind. My inhibitions had established strong roots inside my mind. Though, I was aware of it but could not feel courageous enough to get rid of it. I tried writing just to keep away all the frustration collected over the years. But my notes gave me the impression of randomly targeting some innocent person who had nothing but childhood fun. Though, their idea of fun was cruel and detrimental to my existence. All of my letters addressed to me were more like two strangers and insane people are indulged in a strange reality of hate letters which was always likely to get out of control.

Those letters were part of an experiment in emotional terror and the result would have surely reflected in one of the stranger being killed by another. My personality was a sum total of who I was and what I wanted to be! Perhaps I was insane enough to keep letters written by me on my own doorsteps and hoping that the stranger residing within me would get to read it in a different way! Split personality? Sorry, I think I was pretty much normal.

My family members and few relatives who are also known as well-wishers in cultured world, often asked me ‘so what do you want to do with your life’! I did not answer, because I could not! What else would you say about a person who was seriously busy in writing a love letter to himself every passing day and the next day reading the same letter with the excitement as if someone else had just mailed me that!

Finally one fine day, I managed to mention about movies as my career! I wanted to get into movie making and learning the nuances of film making. I had tried writing number of times. My inability to come up with a solid plot made me realize my limitations in writing. So I had a lot to share, a lot to tell people, an entire lifetime to reflect and present the insecurities and fallacies of human mind!

I was heavily into watching movies. Movies they call as art or realistic movies sans any fanfare, picturesque locations, tuxedo clad poker faced actors and ladies who were best at demonstrating latest brands of lingerie. My idea of movie making was to reflect pathos woven in the womb of comic moments of life! My movies had to reflect my view of life and life is not about memorizing perfect quotations! It’s about politics, sex, violence and elusive concept of peace. Elusive because, you always want it but no one actually manages to achieve it his lifetime yet as a concept this is important.

I bought a handy cam and shot my first video. I did manage to find few like-minded mates in my college days. The term ‘like minded’ is questionable but those few were the ones who did not think much of me either in positive or negative way! So they were ‘like minded’. My video was out rightly rejected by the jury members of the short movies category despite the fact that, I achieved the task of putting the human soul under the microscope. I was ostracized for my clarity of vision and deplored for the video content! So what was the movie all about? I will tell you.

That rejection was the first nail in the coffin.

I was standing in my cell and facing constant barbs of my cell-mate!
I found myself putting my arms around the iron rods of the door and wondering,
I hope, I did no wrong!
Its tough for a dog to complete his life journey alone but a wolf can. May be. A wolf can.
Everyone’s fate is pre-ordained and all the wretched karmas performed by us are nothing but foreplay designed to enhance the pain of our domed fates.

Someone has rightly said, ‘There are things known, and things unknown, and in between them are the doors’. A new journey of my life began on the fateful day when I broke the news of my movie-making ambition to my family. The dining room of my home was no better than what I am facing in the prison. That eventful night was perhaps the second nail in the coffin.

Monday, 19 January 2009

The Bastard of the Party- Part 1

Hallucination often instigates fear syndrome. Fear of not what you dreamt about but fear of the possibility of your hallucinating quagmire of thoughts coming true! It will grow inside you silently, very silently. Like A Tree, it will spread its roots far and wide. So stop hallucinating! Well, easier said than done. Then, pray! But pray to whom? Pray what?

Did you say God? The almighty? The universal father? My life has given me every reason to believe that if God is my father, then I am an orphan. Damn me for being unthankful but insanity and selfishness always go together.

I am not sure how exactly it panned out but it seems as if I am still roaming in the dirty by lanes of that beautiful place people fondly call slum. By the way, I forgot to introduce myself! Officially I am known as Stalin. My complete name reads as Ray Stalin. Don’t know who the hell named me Stalin! My god damn parents or their parents or some shithead neighbor! This name has me given me more problems than any other living creature has ever done. Guess, had I been conceived in some third world country, it would have been fine but here in this country, people are more obsessed with metaphorical problems which have nothing to do with real human problems. Through out my school days, these brats called me names which are worse than being called motherfucker! Communist, fascist, anti-establishment, curse etc are few of the lovely souvenirs I had been bestowed with by my ‘good natured fun loving’ mates!

It’s still a night with full of stars and I am familiar with each one of them. But, am I sleepy or just dreaming?

I was a shy kid, a back bencher basically. I was known for my feeble mumbles and huge jumbling acts performed with alarming regularity. That reason alone was conspiring enough to devoid me of any sort of friends. Though, I was a master of saying Hi & Bye and that too, without ever bringing a smile on my face. I guess, popularity demands a few tricks up your sleeves. Smile is one among them. But why to smile when you can still convey essential things with your silence? Though, you don’t need to present your natural smile; even a fake or plastic smile will keep you in good books of people who matter at different stages of your life. I failed to realize this basic social decorum. Add to that my wonderful name!

I was always given a royal treatment by few innovative kids of my school. At one point of time, they made it a ritual to welcome me with amazing methods. Samples this; 5-6 guy standing together with one hand straight horizontally and palm facing the ground while the other hand….well….should I say? Guess, I should, though sometimes nostalgia is a wonderful resource of pain and indifference. Well, the other hand holding their ‘things’ and shouting loud, ‘Hail Stalin’! That was some generous reception! A’int it? That was the kind of stuff my childhood was made of. Wonderful memories, indeed!

My reticent nature did not help the cause either. Ben Harper once said, time will make all this go away, but it’s time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays! Ben Harper who? I don’t know either! But what he said made sense to me! He must be some down-on-his-luck kind of guyz! I started to find a great escape route in movies. Neorealist movies were my favorites. The kind of movies, who come up with the tag of realistic, filmed in slums and poor location with set of wannabe actors who however manage to perform better than Steven Segal mould of actors. These movies typified my personal set of circumstances where I could identify with their difficult moral and economical hazards depicted in the movie. I was hooked to that movie, ‘Bicycle Thieves’. To be very honest, even I started to nurture dream of venturing into movie-making. But the dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity but that saga will be unveiled some other time!

Aah, my dreams are making me squirm like a bee in a beehive! Why am I sweating? Hallucination! Told you, didn’t I?

The flames are blue
And the sea is ablaze,
The water seems red
And the earth is drunk.
I, the monstrous Buddha,
Inebriated in the bitter drink,
Thinking the thoughts
Of insane denial,
Am I a human?
Or deprecating mask?

I guess, I was still dreaming when I heard Sound of Raucous voice screaming at full throttle!

Whistling! …..

Some nice little adjectives! …….

“Wake up you good for nothing fucking cocksucker! This ai’nt the property of your father’s! This is called prison!” The guard screamed like usual!

Am I hallucinating? No, this time, it’s real!

Did I give you my full introduction? Well, my name is Ray Stalin. You can also call me prisoner number 312! This was my first night in prison and I am accused of rape of a 13 year old girl and probably murder the details of which I am not exactly familiar with!