It was my first full day in prison. I was subject to cheer and jeer by the prison inmates. I received an amazing reception in the place where people came to eat together. In civilized world, this place is known as dining hall, but here it was everything except dining room. The first bite I was about to had and someone from the corner shouted, ‘child molester has changed his taste! How come he is eating rice instead of supple flesh! ’ my non-reaction invited few applause and few abusive that are going to be eternal part for the rest of my life! A prison tend to cater all sort of criminals but special treatment is reserved to those who are there because of more innovative crimes of rape, molestation, pedophilic things etc. I was the newly crowned king out there. A king with no army and a toilet seat for the royal throne!
I was looking forward to college days more so because I kind of felt that agonizing days spent in the school will be left behind. My inhibitions had established strong roots inside my mind. Though, I was aware of it but could not feel courageous enough to get rid of it. I tried writing just to keep away all the frustration collected over the years. But my notes gave me the impression of randomly targeting some innocent person who had nothing but childhood fun. Though, their idea of fun was cruel and detrimental to my existence. All of my letters addressed to me were more like two strangers and insane people are indulged in a strange reality of hate letters which was always likely to get out of control.
Those letters were part of an experiment in emotional terror and the result would have surely reflected in one of the stranger being killed by another. My personality was a sum total of who I was and what I wanted to be! Perhaps I was insane enough to keep letters written by me on my own doorsteps and hoping that the stranger residing within me would get to read it in a different way! Split personality? Sorry, I think I was pretty much normal.
My family members and few relatives who are also known as well-wishers in cultured world, often asked me ‘so what do you want to do with your life’! I did not answer, because I could not! What else would you say about a person who was seriously busy in writing a love letter to himself every passing day and the next day reading the same letter with the excitement as if someone else had just mailed me that!
Finally one fine day, I managed to mention about movies as my career! I wanted to get into movie making and learning the nuances of film making. I had tried writing number of times. My inability to come up with a solid plot made me realize my limitations in writing. So I had a lot to share, a lot to tell people, an entire lifetime to reflect and present the insecurities and fallacies of human mind!
I was heavily into watching movies. Movies they call as art or realistic movies sans any fanfare, picturesque locations, tuxedo clad poker faced actors and ladies who were best at demonstrating latest brands of lingerie. My idea of movie making was to reflect pathos woven in the womb of comic moments of life! My movies had to reflect my view of life and life is not about memorizing perfect quotations! It’s about politics, sex, violence and elusive concept of peace. Elusive because, you always want it but no one actually manages to achieve it his lifetime yet as a concept this is important.
I bought a handy cam and shot my first video. I did manage to find few like-minded mates in my college days. The term ‘like minded’ is questionable but those few were the ones who did not think much of me either in positive or negative way! So they were ‘like minded’. My video was out rightly rejected by the jury members of the short movies category despite the fact that, I achieved the task of putting the human soul under the microscope. I was ostracized for my clarity of vision and deplored for the video content! So what was the movie all about? I will tell you.
That rejection was the first nail in the coffin.
I was standing in my cell and facing constant barbs of my cell-mate!
I found myself putting my arms around the iron rods of the door and wondering,
I hope, I did no wrong!
Its tough for a dog to complete his life journey alone but a wolf can. May be. A wolf can.
Everyone’s fate is pre-ordained and all the wretched karmas performed by us are nothing but foreplay designed to enhance the pain of our domed fates.
Someone has rightly said, ‘There are things known, and things unknown, and in between them are the doors’. A new journey of my life began on the fateful day when I broke the news of my movie-making ambition to my family. The dining room of my home was no better than what I am facing in the prison. That eventful night was perhaps the second nail in the coffin.
I was looking forward to college days more so because I kind of felt that agonizing days spent in the school will be left behind. My inhibitions had established strong roots inside my mind. Though, I was aware of it but could not feel courageous enough to get rid of it. I tried writing just to keep away all the frustration collected over the years. But my notes gave me the impression of randomly targeting some innocent person who had nothing but childhood fun. Though, their idea of fun was cruel and detrimental to my existence. All of my letters addressed to me were more like two strangers and insane people are indulged in a strange reality of hate letters which was always likely to get out of control.
Those letters were part of an experiment in emotional terror and the result would have surely reflected in one of the stranger being killed by another. My personality was a sum total of who I was and what I wanted to be! Perhaps I was insane enough to keep letters written by me on my own doorsteps and hoping that the stranger residing within me would get to read it in a different way! Split personality? Sorry, I think I was pretty much normal.
My family members and few relatives who are also known as well-wishers in cultured world, often asked me ‘so what do you want to do with your life’! I did not answer, because I could not! What else would you say about a person who was seriously busy in writing a love letter to himself every passing day and the next day reading the same letter with the excitement as if someone else had just mailed me that!
Finally one fine day, I managed to mention about movies as my career! I wanted to get into movie making and learning the nuances of film making. I had tried writing number of times. My inability to come up with a solid plot made me realize my limitations in writing. So I had a lot to share, a lot to tell people, an entire lifetime to reflect and present the insecurities and fallacies of human mind!
I was heavily into watching movies. Movies they call as art or realistic movies sans any fanfare, picturesque locations, tuxedo clad poker faced actors and ladies who were best at demonstrating latest brands of lingerie. My idea of movie making was to reflect pathos woven in the womb of comic moments of life! My movies had to reflect my view of life and life is not about memorizing perfect quotations! It’s about politics, sex, violence and elusive concept of peace. Elusive because, you always want it but no one actually manages to achieve it his lifetime yet as a concept this is important.
I bought a handy cam and shot my first video. I did manage to find few like-minded mates in my college days. The term ‘like minded’ is questionable but those few were the ones who did not think much of me either in positive or negative way! So they were ‘like minded’. My video was out rightly rejected by the jury members of the short movies category despite the fact that, I achieved the task of putting the human soul under the microscope. I was ostracized for my clarity of vision and deplored for the video content! So what was the movie all about? I will tell you.
That rejection was the first nail in the coffin.
I was standing in my cell and facing constant barbs of my cell-mate!
I found myself putting my arms around the iron rods of the door and wondering,
I hope, I did no wrong!
Its tough for a dog to complete his life journey alone but a wolf can. May be. A wolf can.
Everyone’s fate is pre-ordained and all the wretched karmas performed by us are nothing but foreplay designed to enhance the pain of our domed fates.
Someone has rightly said, ‘There are things known, and things unknown, and in between them are the doors’. A new journey of my life began on the fateful day when I broke the news of my movie-making ambition to my family. The dining room of my home was no better than what I am facing in the prison. That eventful night was perhaps the second nail in the coffin.
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