Monday, 19 January 2009

The Bastard of the Party- Part 1

Hallucination often instigates fear syndrome. Fear of not what you dreamt about but fear of the possibility of your hallucinating quagmire of thoughts coming true! It will grow inside you silently, very silently. Like A Tree, it will spread its roots far and wide. So stop hallucinating! Well, easier said than done. Then, pray! But pray to whom? Pray what?

Did you say God? The almighty? The universal father? My life has given me every reason to believe that if God is my father, then I am an orphan. Damn me for being unthankful but insanity and selfishness always go together.

I am not sure how exactly it panned out but it seems as if I am still roaming in the dirty by lanes of that beautiful place people fondly call slum. By the way, I forgot to introduce myself! Officially I am known as Stalin. My complete name reads as Ray Stalin. Don’t know who the hell named me Stalin! My god damn parents or their parents or some shithead neighbor! This name has me given me more problems than any other living creature has ever done. Guess, had I been conceived in some third world country, it would have been fine but here in this country, people are more obsessed with metaphorical problems which have nothing to do with real human problems. Through out my school days, these brats called me names which are worse than being called motherfucker! Communist, fascist, anti-establishment, curse etc are few of the lovely souvenirs I had been bestowed with by my ‘good natured fun loving’ mates!

It’s still a night with full of stars and I am familiar with each one of them. But, am I sleepy or just dreaming?

I was a shy kid, a back bencher basically. I was known for my feeble mumbles and huge jumbling acts performed with alarming regularity. That reason alone was conspiring enough to devoid me of any sort of friends. Though, I was a master of saying Hi & Bye and that too, without ever bringing a smile on my face. I guess, popularity demands a few tricks up your sleeves. Smile is one among them. But why to smile when you can still convey essential things with your silence? Though, you don’t need to present your natural smile; even a fake or plastic smile will keep you in good books of people who matter at different stages of your life. I failed to realize this basic social decorum. Add to that my wonderful name!

I was always given a royal treatment by few innovative kids of my school. At one point of time, they made it a ritual to welcome me with amazing methods. Samples this; 5-6 guy standing together with one hand straight horizontally and palm facing the ground while the other hand….well….should I say? Guess, I should, though sometimes nostalgia is a wonderful resource of pain and indifference. Well, the other hand holding their ‘things’ and shouting loud, ‘Hail Stalin’! That was some generous reception! A’int it? That was the kind of stuff my childhood was made of. Wonderful memories, indeed!

My reticent nature did not help the cause either. Ben Harper once said, time will make all this go away, but it’s time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays! Ben Harper who? I don’t know either! But what he said made sense to me! He must be some down-on-his-luck kind of guyz! I started to find a great escape route in movies. Neorealist movies were my favorites. The kind of movies, who come up with the tag of realistic, filmed in slums and poor location with set of wannabe actors who however manage to perform better than Steven Segal mould of actors. These movies typified my personal set of circumstances where I could identify with their difficult moral and economical hazards depicted in the movie. I was hooked to that movie, ‘Bicycle Thieves’. To be very honest, even I started to nurture dream of venturing into movie-making. But the dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity but that saga will be unveiled some other time!

Aah, my dreams are making me squirm like a bee in a beehive! Why am I sweating? Hallucination! Told you, didn’t I?

The flames are blue
And the sea is ablaze,
The water seems red
And the earth is drunk.
I, the monstrous Buddha,
Inebriated in the bitter drink,
Thinking the thoughts
Of insane denial,
Am I a human?
Or deprecating mask?

I guess, I was still dreaming when I heard Sound of Raucous voice screaming at full throttle!

Whistling! …..

Some nice little adjectives! …….

“Wake up you good for nothing fucking cocksucker! This ai’nt the property of your father’s! This is called prison!” The guard screamed like usual!

Am I hallucinating? No, this time, it’s real!

Did I give you my full introduction? Well, my name is Ray Stalin. You can also call me prisoner number 312! This was my first night in prison and I am accused of rape of a 13 year old girl and probably murder the details of which I am not exactly familiar with!

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