So there they are! My family members, feeling all zapped and stunned at my announcement. Now did someone say, the greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attentions? Yes, they did pay full attention to what I said and afterwards...it was a chorus of mayhem...producing harmony at its best! I was persuaded...asked...Ordered...and finally thrown out of my little abode for not agreeing to their convention! What could I do? If I wished to be a director...all I had to just direct! What was the rocket science involved there?
Round and round the world we go, we don't die of time, we die of vertigo...family members felt offended and I remained what I was...a recluse...loner trapped in his own illusionary graveyard where no one was willing to offer any bouquet...
One of those days when my dad used to sermon me about meaning of the life, he said, ‘If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with’. Very well then, will you mind telling me what happens when you realise you are not loved the way you want to and you are not going to end the way you want to, how should one deal then? He never talks about it but my personal and professional life talks of same events repeating again with hazardous outcomes.
While, I can forgot a hell lot of things yet I will never ever be able to get rid of scar in my heart. My journey did begin...at last...
Female anatomy fascinated me. The curve of their assets and the appeal of their round bottoms made me feel exhilarated. My first short film dealt with themes of sex, politics and cinephilia. How would sex appear if presented in its most original way and that is carnal and disturbed way? I wished to be the hell raiser of era of eroticism in its most naked form. What’s the point of hiding the most consistent and frequent event of our bedrooms from the eyes of voyeuristic sensibilities? Let them see what they derive their greatest pleasure from.
The relationship between personal comfort and ideals is a strong theme to talk about. Yet, I was not allowed to talk them in a crude way. The movie financers I approached found me sick and wondered whether I have it in me to be acceptable to the masses and critics alike. It’s tough to be a director when you are totally dependent upon on someone other than you who also proclaims to be the heart of the film; it’s writer! How could I rely upon someone else’s flight of fantasy when I had the entire universe of imagination clambering around my feet? Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter and here, I was the artist!
Portrayal of sex reveals the purest form of human soul. It is almost like putting a human soul under the microscope and dissecting it. Depicting sex in its rawest form allows you to steal the beauty and offer a bit of heterogeneity. I kept struggling and my ideas failed to find any acceptance from socially relevant norms of film-making. If the perception of society is restricted to a particular name and for which I was subjected to consistent barbs from my school mates then that also allows me to arouse controversy iconoclastically to encourage people to reconsider themselves and their society.
At last, I managed to put together pieces of my heart and some fine fabrics of my passion and I headed for a slum where I could find some themes I could relate to and some actors who would not need to act. I saw this girl (Eva) choosing pieces of stones from the gutter material. Her skin was dark and yet she possessed a certain spark. While I held handy cam in my hands, I could sense her infinite curiosity and that silent desire of figuring in that screen. While I looked at her face I couldn’t help staring at her blouse that was barely managing to hide her growing breasts.
I asked her, will you act?
She kept her gaze fixed to the surface.
She appeared like a growing teen who recently had her first brush with blood and gore. Her body language was suggestive of her hidden pursuits and I did manage to make her say, yes without any difficulty. When I first shot her, I closed my eyes as if I were praying, the world just disappears in the bottom of the darkness, Even though, my heart starts to beat, searching for a limited eternity... and I get this shot perfect..
I wished again...come back to me, my sweet lady, by following your memories, to the origin of gentleness and dreams. She gave a perfect first shot. My movie revolved around a character who finds comfort in the anonymous arms of a teen after the death of his sister (Barbara) in violent circumstances. Both the leading ladies of the movies, his wife and this teen were dark skinned, slender, dark haired and had brown eyes.
Both leading ladies had smoking habits. Both lost their virginities at a tender age. Eva and Barbara had to appear in full frontal nude scenes. No, there was no intention of any moral exploitation or appeasement of front benchers. It’s just that, my idea of a world was devoided of any sexual discrimination and would be more presentable with frontal female nudity. My idea of sexual discourse needed to present the chaos on the street as experienced by me during my entire life.
I knew, my idea wouldn’t go well with a large section of society but the person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. I was not writing for fools and nor for large audience. I was an artist and I was there to live out loud. While my movie was in progress, sometimes, I used to lock the door and lock my head and dreamt of butterflies instead. It made me feel fresh for the theme of my movie that was going to make some fucking real good noise...