Rambling Ragas-6

This is not the best of time to tear apart your heart. I don't know. I really don’t know. Insomnia has engulfed my existence and all the faces are starting to blur together. All of them are saying something but my mind, vague mind fails to comprehend them.
While writing this, I lighted up a cigarette. My beloved’s voice echoed in my mind, “You shouldn't smoke. It'll kill you.” Do I care? No, I don't care. I guess, there’s plenty of ways to die. But you have to figure out a way to live. I have figured out that way long time ago. Now, I know that’s a hard way but Look at you, all sophisticated. You talk and you talk again. Polishing each and every word. Covering them under the blanket of selfishness yet you will never ever admit that you are selfish. Why? Because that’s not the norm!

I walk the streets at night now
I find places and things
I never knew existed.

But am I finding them or are they finding me?
In right and wrong, and the thin, fragile line between them.
And they are probably wondering, as I speak.
Why is somebody talking the way, he is doing?


I was tossing and turning in my bed last night trying to get even a few hours sleep. I could not get them and in between all of a sudden I thought of this word ‘communication skills’. This word was followed by second word, ‘virtual world.’ How hard I tried, I could not find even a bit of semblance between the two. Third word roamed in my mind ‘my proactive communication’. There were no co-relation yet I tried to find the relation between all these words. First and foremost thought which came to my mind is escapism. People who often visit and spend a considerable amount of time in social networking sites do not have a rich personal life. I, personally have a very rich personal life. Rich, very rich. The word ‘escapism’ rules in those peoples’ lives. Poor they? Yeah, definitely. How about those people having good communication skills? What the hell are you talking about?

As far as I know and understand, communication can be defined as balanced mutual exchange of thoughts where people are willing to listen to each other, where people are willing to talk to each other and willing to understand each other’s point of view. Now that’s a rarity, even in real world. Sometimes I have found people plotting about what they are going to speak while you are sharing your stuff. Imagine the disgust I feel! Here I am talking something, wanting to be heard and understood and there person on the other side of the phone is not at all listening g to you. In fact they are thinking of what next to say?
I love those people like anything!! I am crazy about them.

On other side of the spectrum, I find people who are simply incapable of understanding whatever you are conveying! They will always pretend that they are trying to understand you. Few of them won’t even give that pretense. All they seek is a punching bag!

Call you up! Blast their miseries! Go away! What a simple formula! Though few of them even have guts to say, you are my friend and I stand by you! Gosh! I can’t even laugh! See the irony! You selfish suckers! I know every human is selfish by nature. They have to be. No issues with that but show me the guts to admit that! Nah, how could they! Those lesser souls! How could they! Though few of them have this courtesy to say at the end of the conversation, “by the way, how are you doing?” yeah, I am always doing fine!

That’s the kind of people I meet in virtual world. 8 out of 10 are like that! And I love them. Because of these very people I feel like a superhuman! They literally make me feel how good I am! Anyways I like to feel good about my strong existence in my mind but thanks to these people, I feel even better! Virtual world is kind of stoppage time in life. You stop here, hold on for a while and better move on. Few relations, I mean few deserving relations who is based on mutual love, respect and trust will stay on! No matter what, they will stay! Few others, you better run as your ass has caught fire! I never understood how people lived with fear. How women afraid to be their natural selves! How people afraid of...accepting the truth of their inner selves.

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. The Weaker people.
It never touched me. And then I saw it touching others. Or perhaps I saw it late. Behind those arrogant faces and exteriors you see a vulnerable face. A weak face. And then you know how it feels when it touches them, you know...

I just could not realize that it's been there all along.....waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you thought to be tough, strong and balanced!
And then I saw their skins crawling...
..And my heart sickened...
...and I look at the person they once pretended to be
Walking down that street...

...and then I wondered, will I be same...?
Will they ever be their pretended selves again?

Talk to me. Look at this fucking crap right here.
Did you ever wonder Why don't my hands shake?
Why doesn't somebody stop me?

Now, almost everybody lies. But the dead can't.
And then again, the lies tell you things too, because...
...people tell them for a reason.
And those faces in the virtual world,
What are they telling me?

Did your hands shake?

But that's one of the benefits of being on the right side.

It's a fair question. You...i guess, I am not sure, perhaps, and you become someone else.
And these people have become someone else!

“A stranger.”

Sometimes that just makes it harder, you know. You just wish you didn't.



That’s the most important thing! Avoid the cribbers like plague! Because when you interact with such people, it is astonishing and numbing, to find that the person you are talking to is basically a stranger. One that has your arms, your legs, your eyes, and that person gradually acquires this power to make you a sleepless, restless stranger. You will find yourself just walking. Eating and finally just living.

They suck all your energy! I almost vanished, thanks to those humanly vampires! Making you feel like an organism that changes, mutates. Building sprout-like chromosomes on the DNA of your inner streets. And tell you what; they are damn good at it! Thanks to these bouts of insomnia, I feel better at deciding! I love floating. I love flying. I love my detachable nature. And I love leaving behind few dead relations. I would still love to make new relations. I would still love to rejuvenate old relations provided they have something new to offer because I have. I always had! Show me some variety. Show me you are not needy. Show me, you love being happy! Show me, you want to talk and listen and I am all yours!

Look, what I have got! I've got or I had got a show, a very lively show that’s almost finished. Perhaps it’s already mixed. All it needs is an intro and an outro, which I could live. But I do realize I've got numerous unending shows in various stages. And I've got all these stories in my life. You know, new stuff, better stuff.
And I know what I'm doing,
And you know that I know what I'm doing. Perhaps, I’ve been through a little bit.
Sometimes a boisterous laughter conceals much more than what actually it reveals. But i have a public and I'm not sure they are ready for it yet.
Look....I just need to keep living. Happily!

Well, this is me and yet again I start walking the city. A city which is like any metropolis which is an organism...But it is horrible...to feel detached for the place you once loved. And to see few faces you knew so well......and be afraid of their shadows.
It’s even more strange to see familiar steps but you feel unable to climb them.

You know I heard this story about suicide bombers over in Iraq?
When they die they want 72 virgins. What do I want?
do want whores? Do I want them while I'm alive?

No give me happiness, not for my sake but for own sake!
Not because seeing you happy face will make me happy but because I will stat believing others can be happy too!
Other can get out of that self-induced trap!

Someone is playing God out there...i also tried that…
Because I've been asked and expected to do something that was a norm from my won standards…

But I guess, its time for revenge! Yeah, revenge makes us feel good.
I know, The carriage held but just ourselves.
And Immortality.

Does it keep me up at night?
Does it haunt me?
Excuse me?

Because it haunts me.

But yeah, one thing is for sure,
There is no going back to that other person...
.. That other place.

This thing, this stranger..
That’s all you have now.

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Rambling Ragas!-5

Sometimes, I feel I want to know each and everything and I also want to be everywhere. I am ferociously young and sometimes idealistic too, some other times complete brash. And rest of the times, I am everything that I am supposed to be. My temper even propels a desire in me to fuck everyone in the world. But I guess,that’s slightly tough proposition considering my human limitations but then I am trying. There are great chances of me failing so I instead try to write. I normally don’t write all of what I really wish, what I feel. I wish I could. But life tells me, there are a lot of things I wish I could. Am I regretting? Hell, no! But, it would have been fun doing few more things!

I sometimes, repeat that sentence in my mind, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... gives me truth”! But what truth Mr. Jay? Haven’t you had enough of them? Are not you tired of balancing some bitter truth with hallucinating fantasies? Heart says, no! I so strongly perceive myself as a hopeless optimist and die hard romantic! And I love that perception more than anything.

So now a days how do I juggle my fantasies amidst those miraculous perceptions? Well, I say, I'm jay and the rambling habit of mine is yet to leave me...And as I desire, I constantly I walk the city. Sometimes, I bitch and moan about it and some other time, I just walk and watch and listen. I keep witnessing to the all beauty and ugliness that is disappearing from our saaddi beloved city. Few months back, I cajoled myself to visit the gray depths of the northern side of country. There, I saw few fishes swimming their morning laps like they have every morning since the time immemorial. One fine morning I walked by the lake of golden waters outside what used to be the greatest fish place in that region. And then I thought about my childhood friend kaajal with her dog ceaser and her parents who were always away. She also had a Bengali nanny who had these peculiar six hairpins made out of fish bones.


That friend was an adorable brat of my childhood. A little punk kid. But why am I remembering those days? Oh, yes! I visited that lake and that reminded me of visiting a similar lake in my childhood with our families. We had fun. We cooked our food on dry woods and that was the only time I ever went on a picnic with my family. I still remember how free and exuberant I had felt when we two brats ran around lake side with naked feet. Shouting parents, heavenly smell of chicken and few pebbles in my hand. I could have filled that lake with my pebbles.
Never mind sweetheart! Move on..!

You see, sometime, I feel like writing a story of the cities I lived in. but when I stretch that idea further, I feel those cities are fast disappearing before my eyes. Its people all swept over. Then how will the writer inside me would be treating the leftover of those stories? Would I be, constructing an imaginary city to house those memories? Because, I have no choice but to preserve those memories. They are precious. Very precious. And when you love something, every time a bit of it goes, you lose a piece of yourself.
So where kaajal would be sleeping tonight? Can I hear her ghost? Yeah, her ghost is wandering around the around the collapsing corridors of her beloved home trying to find her nanny's room. She is calling out to the construction workers in a voice that nobody hears: "Has anyone seen my dog ceaser?"

Well, this is Mritunjay and you've been reading to you know what?
I'm...
I'm not a face. I'm just a voice…

Rambling Ragas!-4

She promised to meet next day. I kept tossing and turning in my bed whole night. Her spirit had caught me off guard or rather; she was doing what I had always wanted to do. She was not chained to any thing. She was doing what she felt right. She did not commit any crime. She was just following the call of her heart. Above all, we were going to meet her and yes, I did think about confessing what I had in my mind. I can’t help but to let the other person know how I am feeling about him/her. Sooner, the better. I had invited her for lunch at my place.

I woke up all excited. Could not wait. I still wonder how easily she managed to impress me in a span of two days. It was a lovely sensation flowing through my veins.
At 12, I received a note saying, “I would not be able to make it. Jay, I Hope to meet you again in this lifetime”. Then few more lines which I would disclose later.

I wondered again. I smiled. And then I cracked loudly.

Ever had crush on someone? Yeah, Crush. Isn’t it funny, how the similar word for the feeling of disillusionment can be used for the feeling of desirability? The Oxford English Dictionary states one of the meanings for the word crushed as "a strong and unreasoning, but transitory attachment. No. no complaints, though.

Yes, beautiful things happen for two days. But, sometimes, its effects linger on for a longer duration. Yes, it was fun. Love you baby.

What I have seen is some people don’t really feel and believe that they deserve love. All they do is to walk away quietly into empty spaces and trying to close the gaps of the past. She seemed to be of that kind. And thankfully, I am not of that kind. Everyone has his/her own set of setbacks and one tends to lose trust. Trust becomes something of a rare material, you vowed you never do again and you keep your heart prisoner in that steel enclosure. But whoever said, time is a great healer, was a smart chap. slowly, heart does come out of that steel enclosure. As for me, I can not want anything to stand in my way of doing what I do best and that is to love, to make people happy. I am addicted to my fluctuation because that makes me more vulnerable but more open to new changes as well.

That girl, well, I call her princess had also sent me one of her favourite poems.

"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron

I am exploring the grey matter of my oversized brain and the dusty by lanes of my heart even more vigorously now! I will find it. I don’t know what! But I will find it!

Rambling Ragas-3

Some time back, I had a strange encounter with this weird girl. Young, free-flowing and mischievous. What took me by surprise was the fact that, she was not willing to reveal what I wanted to see. A façade! Ebullience masquerading in naked openness! She was open yet closed. Though she seemed at peace with herself but at the same time, there seemed to have a fading indication of running away from something. I enquired. She replied. She seemed honest yet something was missing!

I asked, can you explain yourself in few lines?

“Well, I can try!” “I like colourful candies and quantum physics and high heeled sandals. They always make me feel pretty (oh so appealing, I feel cute and witty and dazzling!). Sometimes I even wear heels while running. They are uplifting. Can you tell I like bad jokes?”

Now Mr Jay, what was that? Guess, fair enough description!
I probed further; she disclosed more but the simmering restlessness of missing some point was still there in my heart.

She went on; she is wandering like Yankee since two years. Surviving all alone. Meeting new people. Knowing new perspectives. And finding freedom. Finally, after two rambling years, she is into her ultimate and supreme adventure.
I enquired, how can you be so sure of this being your final hurrah?
She replied, I know it instinctively.
I wondered and asked so what’s this final adventure looks like?
She responded, “I am battling to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage”.

For once, I could not reply. What kind of spiritual pilgrimage is this? Leaving all your relationships, your responsibilities, career on hold and acting vagabond?
Yes, she said, somehow, I was no longer willing to be poisoned by civilization so I fled and walked alone upon the land. I fled, but I am liberated now.
The world is intrigued with people that they can’t figure out and I am no exception. I said, does your liberation amounts to being a decapitated corpse who won’t feel any pain, any longer? If that is the case, my asking so many questions would be more like kicking a decapitated corpse in the groin which would accomplish very little.

She countered back,
“No, in fact I feel more alive now.
You see, what I found was we humans are like roads which are meant for walking and that’s what we will always do but every now and then, those known and unknown pedestrians are going to walk all over us.”

“I belong to a metropolitan city. Before I started wandering out, I had this thing about the sense of touch. In any real, big, bad city, you walk, you know? You often brush past strangers and people keep bumping into you. But in actual, nobody touches you. I was always behind this shield of metal and glass. And the reason people keep bumping, keep crashing into each other is because they miss that intimate/personal touch so much. And because of that crash they manage to feel something.
I wanted to feel things, I wanted to feel everything! I have touched many things and I have been touched by many as well!”
“You see, everyone dies but not everyone really lives. I think I am living.”

I was zapped. Eyes fixed at her. Her nonchalant expressions were making me fall for her.

Rambling Ragas-2

Needless to say every journey is fascinating. And orkutting was one of those journeys.

I sometimes tend to pamper myself by thinking that; I possess a marvellous talent of the art of wondering at every small thing in life which come across my way! Be it, changing dynamics of relationships, fluctuating mindsets, inconsistent loyalties or even fountains of love showered upon my being from unexpected quarters. Ain’t they small things considering their far too common occurrence? I even wonder how come I am not untouched by these miniscule events?
The logic says because of my living in such society!

What society? The society, whose inception has always been doubtful? A society where the ignorant reign? A society, whose basic premises stipulate that, enlightened must hold their tongues? A society whose policy deciders, must profess half-hearted dedication to a primeval allegory or face the catastrophic consequences of speaking their true mind?

Well, I can go on but I wonder, again, of its relevance!
In the inner world, Lunatic fantasy paves way for a much mellowed down rambling ragas, bereft of ethereal elements of my existence like, arrogance, insanity and anger. Should it be named Neurotic’s Notebook rather than getting lost in the mumble-jumble of ragas of ruptured ramblings?

But why mellowed down version? Have I changed? May be. May be not. Does not matter actually. We all change, everyday. Some by choice, some by chance. It’s quite easy to stick to certain set of people, certain patterns of emotions, a particular cigarette brand, Hayward’s or kingfisher strong beer and last but not the least writing in a certain way. Because all these “certain” things helped me in getting relationships, recognition, adulation, identity, attachment etc but then the moment I think of that I find myself chained up to these certain things. And that’s when I find myself deteriorating, every second of my existence. It’s easy to be stereotyped and it’s uncomfortable to experiment.

Choice was mine. I guess, I am fulfilling my 2nd biggest birth right after freedom! Experimentation! Yeah, I wrote that right!

Move again. Don’t get fixated on one particular thought. Creativity is always fragmented. So am I. so is this rhythmic rabble!

And when I think of movement and rhythm, I think of sea-shore. I would love to spend an evening on beach with mild breeze caressing my soul. There, at that very place, one can feel the smell of unhindered freedom which is right there, for the taking. Go, snatch it. Feel blessed. Or even better, bow to the dying sun, to its vermillion aura and its promise of coming again, tomorrow! Feel like touching that blue/green water! Yes, we love sea. We love sea-shore. We love its purity and enormity. We love its strength. And all that despite knowing that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong??

Guess, I am not too knowledgeable about sea except knowing few myths of sea-monsters, mermaids, Bermuda triangle, and trade routes etc etc. but I do know that precisely that’s the way it is here. It always has been. I don’t know swimming but I like to find myself at least once, to measure myself at least once in those harsh blows of sea. Isn’t it exciting to imagine, I am standing in the most ancient of human conditions, all alone, facing blind and I don’t have any weapons/instruments at my disposal except my own hands and my own head with a heart of gold! My! I am being so greedy! I have always been!

Rambling Ragas

It was a weird week. Weird, umm...Yes, unless I resemble it to a stage of hopelessness, hollow or even desperate. Images kept colliding with stones of reality! It was a state of haunting past, few never thought before regrets, turbulent past and some certain discomfort of not-so-distant future!

How often do I feel like pondering over ever so endless journey, undertaken by me! Sometimes I seek my purpose. Purpose of my life and all that I manage to find is big zilch. Things take me to my own beliefs! My persona! Enigma or plain complex? Simple or pretender? I do not know! My beloved keeps saying me, you are a wonderful mix of various hidden and unexplored shades! I wonder yet I see myself blushing! Probably, the word extremist will spare me from all the adjectives! I Probe it further and I find an aesthetic voyager whose home is his tiny head and somewhat big heart! Escaped from home to seek ultimate freedom.

I meet all kind of people. Talk about males, females! I had an amazing assortment of variety! I have stopped counting types of shades I have witnessed in 1/3rd of my life! But the majority of them always chanted ragas of unhappiness. I kept on asking what makes them unhappy? Job? Love? Relationships? Parents? Friends? Yeah, mostly!
Fair enough!
What else?

And few of those other reasons made me think. Should I laugh? Or flash a wry smile? Should I try to find some sense behind those reasons?
Few of those reasons-

- He/she refused to accept me!
- I was proposed!
- I could not take my dinner/breakfast!
- A tiff with my colleague!
- What will happen to me if I don’t get the guy/gal of my choice!
- I have a bad stomach!
- Why am I not able to feel happy?

Quite genuine? May be, yes! I laughed. I really did. I even thought. I wondered. And what I found? Were those reasons were really insignificant to fret about or I had a larger perspective or they were right in their assessment? Why do so many of those, live within gloomy circumstances and yet will not have to take the initiative to alter their condition because they are conditioned to a life of protection, conventionality, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind. But if we look deep, in reality what could be more perilous to the audacious spirit inside a human than a safe and sound future?

I read this somewhere that “how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong. Wouldn’t we be better with passion of adventure at our very basic core! Essentially, the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun ".
Do I follow them as I write them? Yes, I do! That does make me lonely soul sometimes but don’t I have a right to be so? And if I have so, shouldn’t I accept it and move on!?

Almost two and half decades have passed since I have started walking the earth.
My sense of living says I have lived a luxurious life. Sometimes, I try to merge myself in the solitude of my surroundings! No phone, no calls, no people, no beer, no cigarettes and even no beloved! Ultimate freedom. In those moments, I feel blessed. Perfectly happy. I find no reason of my living and as Leo Tolstoy said in War and Peace, “If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed."
Is there any other greater pleasure than discovering the reason that life itself has no reason! Well, Mr. Tolstoy you better talk to Ayn Rand! I will join the party later…

The sensical nonsense is far from finished…
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