Sometimes, I feel I want to know each and everything and I also want to be everywhere. I am ferociously young and sometimes idealistic too, some other times complete brash. And rest of the times, I am everything that I am supposed to be. My temper even propels a desire in me to fuck everyone in the world. But I guess,that’s slightly tough proposition considering my human limitations but then I am trying. There are great chances of me failing so I instead try to write. I normally don’t write all of what I really wish, what I feel. I wish I could. But life tells me, there are a lot of things I wish I could. Am I regretting? Hell, no! But, it would have been fun doing few more things!
I sometimes, repeat that sentence in my mind, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... gives me truth”! But what truth Mr. Jay? Haven’t you had enough of them? Are not you tired of balancing some bitter truth with hallucinating fantasies? Heart says, no! I so strongly perceive myself as a hopeless optimist and die hard romantic! And I love that perception more than anything.
So now a days how do I juggle my fantasies amidst those miraculous perceptions? Well, I say, I'm jay and the rambling habit of mine is yet to leave me...And as I desire, I constantly I walk the city. Sometimes, I bitch and moan about it and some other time, I just walk and watch and listen. I keep witnessing to the all beauty and ugliness that is disappearing from our saaddi beloved city. Few months back, I cajoled myself to visit the gray depths of the northern side of country. There, I saw few fishes swimming their morning laps like they have every morning since the time immemorial. One fine morning I walked by the lake of golden waters outside what used to be the greatest fish place in that region. And then I thought about my childhood friend kaajal with her dog ceaser and her parents who were always away. She also had a Bengali nanny who had these peculiar six hairpins made out of fish bones.
That friend was an adorable brat of my childhood. A little punk kid. But why am I remembering those days? Oh, yes! I visited that lake and that reminded me of visiting a similar lake in my childhood with our families. We had fun. We cooked our food on dry woods and that was the only time I ever went on a picnic with my family. I still remember how free and exuberant I had felt when we two brats ran around lake side with naked feet. Shouting parents, heavenly smell of chicken and few pebbles in my hand. I could have filled that lake with my pebbles.
Never mind sweetheart! Move on..!
You see, sometime, I feel like writing a story of the cities I lived in. but when I stretch that idea further, I feel those cities are fast disappearing before my eyes. Its people all swept over. Then how will the writer inside me would be treating the leftover of those stories? Would I be, constructing an imaginary city to house those memories? Because, I have no choice but to preserve those memories. They are precious. Very precious. And when you love something, every time a bit of it goes, you lose a piece of yourself.
So where kaajal would be sleeping tonight? Can I hear her ghost? Yeah, her ghost is wandering around the around the collapsing corridors of her beloved home trying to find her nanny's room. She is calling out to the construction workers in a voice that nobody hears: "Has anyone seen my dog ceaser?"
Well, this is Mritunjay and you've been reading to you know what?
I'm...
I'm not a face. I'm just a voice…
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Rambling Ragas!-4
She promised to meet next day. I kept tossing and turning in my bed whole night. Her spirit had caught me off guard or rather; she was doing what I had always wanted to do. She was not chained to any thing. She was doing what she felt right. She did not commit any crime. She was just following the call of her heart. Above all, we were going to meet her and yes, I did think about confessing what I had in my mind. I can’t help but to let the other person know how I am feeling about him/her. Sooner, the better. I had invited her for lunch at my place.
I woke up all excited. Could not wait. I still wonder how easily she managed to impress me in a span of two days. It was a lovely sensation flowing through my veins.
At 12, I received a note saying, “I would not be able to make it. Jay, I Hope to meet you again in this lifetime”. Then few more lines which I would disclose later.
I wondered again. I smiled. And then I cracked loudly.
Ever had crush on someone? Yeah, Crush. Isn’t it funny, how the similar word for the feeling of disillusionment can be used for the feeling of desirability? The Oxford English Dictionary states one of the meanings for the word crushed as "a strong and unreasoning, but transitory attachment. No. no complaints, though.
Yes, beautiful things happen for two days. But, sometimes, its effects linger on for a longer duration. Yes, it was fun. Love you baby.
What I have seen is some people don’t really feel and believe that they deserve love. All they do is to walk away quietly into empty spaces and trying to close the gaps of the past. She seemed to be of that kind. And thankfully, I am not of that kind. Everyone has his/her own set of setbacks and one tends to lose trust. Trust becomes something of a rare material, you vowed you never do again and you keep your heart prisoner in that steel enclosure. But whoever said, time is a great healer, was a smart chap. slowly, heart does come out of that steel enclosure. As for me, I can not want anything to stand in my way of doing what I do best and that is to love, to make people happy. I am addicted to my fluctuation because that makes me more vulnerable but more open to new changes as well.
That girl, well, I call her princess had also sent me one of her favourite poems.
"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron
I am exploring the grey matter of my oversized brain and the dusty by lanes of my heart even more vigorously now! I will find it. I don’t know what! But I will find it!
I woke up all excited. Could not wait. I still wonder how easily she managed to impress me in a span of two days. It was a lovely sensation flowing through my veins.
At 12, I received a note saying, “I would not be able to make it. Jay, I Hope to meet you again in this lifetime”. Then few more lines which I would disclose later.
I wondered again. I smiled. And then I cracked loudly.
Ever had crush on someone? Yeah, Crush. Isn’t it funny, how the similar word for the feeling of disillusionment can be used for the feeling of desirability? The Oxford English Dictionary states one of the meanings for the word crushed as "a strong and unreasoning, but transitory attachment. No. no complaints, though.
Yes, beautiful things happen for two days. But, sometimes, its effects linger on for a longer duration. Yes, it was fun. Love you baby.
What I have seen is some people don’t really feel and believe that they deserve love. All they do is to walk away quietly into empty spaces and trying to close the gaps of the past. She seemed to be of that kind. And thankfully, I am not of that kind. Everyone has his/her own set of setbacks and one tends to lose trust. Trust becomes something of a rare material, you vowed you never do again and you keep your heart prisoner in that steel enclosure. But whoever said, time is a great healer, was a smart chap. slowly, heart does come out of that steel enclosure. As for me, I can not want anything to stand in my way of doing what I do best and that is to love, to make people happy. I am addicted to my fluctuation because that makes me more vulnerable but more open to new changes as well.
That girl, well, I call her princess had also sent me one of her favourite poems.
"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron
I am exploring the grey matter of my oversized brain and the dusty by lanes of my heart even more vigorously now! I will find it. I don’t know what! But I will find it!
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Rambling Ragas-3
Some time back, I had a strange encounter with this weird girl. Young, free-flowing and mischievous. What took me by surprise was the fact that, she was not willing to reveal what I wanted to see. A façade! Ebullience masquerading in naked openness! She was open yet closed. Though she seemed at peace with herself but at the same time, there seemed to have a fading indication of running away from something. I enquired. She replied. She seemed honest yet something was missing!
I asked, can you explain yourself in few lines?
“Well, I can try!” “I like colourful candies and quantum physics and high heeled sandals. They always make me feel pretty (oh so appealing, I feel cute and witty and dazzling!). Sometimes I even wear heels while running. They are uplifting. Can you tell I like bad jokes?”
Now Mr Jay, what was that? Guess, fair enough description!
I probed further; she disclosed more but the simmering restlessness of missing some point was still there in my heart.
She went on; she is wandering like Yankee since two years. Surviving all alone. Meeting new people. Knowing new perspectives. And finding freedom. Finally, after two rambling years, she is into her ultimate and supreme adventure.
I enquired, how can you be so sure of this being your final hurrah?
She replied, I know it instinctively.
I wondered and asked so what’s this final adventure looks like?
She responded, “I am battling to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage”.
For once, I could not reply. What kind of spiritual pilgrimage is this? Leaving all your relationships, your responsibilities, career on hold and acting vagabond?
Yes, she said, somehow, I was no longer willing to be poisoned by civilization so I fled and walked alone upon the land. I fled, but I am liberated now.
The world is intrigued with people that they can’t figure out and I am no exception. I said, does your liberation amounts to being a decapitated corpse who won’t feel any pain, any longer? If that is the case, my asking so many questions would be more like kicking a decapitated corpse in the groin which would accomplish very little.
She countered back,
“No, in fact I feel more alive now.
You see, what I found was we humans are like roads which are meant for walking and that’s what we will always do but every now and then, those known and unknown pedestrians are going to walk all over us.”
“I belong to a metropolitan city. Before I started wandering out, I had this thing about the sense of touch. In any real, big, bad city, you walk, you know? You often brush past strangers and people keep bumping into you. But in actual, nobody touches you. I was always behind this shield of metal and glass. And the reason people keep bumping, keep crashing into each other is because they miss that intimate/personal touch so much. And because of that crash they manage to feel something.
I wanted to feel things, I wanted to feel everything! I have touched many things and I have been touched by many as well!”
“You see, everyone dies but not everyone really lives. I think I am living.”
I was zapped. Eyes fixed at her. Her nonchalant expressions were making me fall for her.
I asked, can you explain yourself in few lines?
“Well, I can try!” “I like colourful candies and quantum physics and high heeled sandals. They always make me feel pretty (oh so appealing, I feel cute and witty and dazzling!). Sometimes I even wear heels while running. They are uplifting. Can you tell I like bad jokes?”
Now Mr Jay, what was that? Guess, fair enough description!
I probed further; she disclosed more but the simmering restlessness of missing some point was still there in my heart.
She went on; she is wandering like Yankee since two years. Surviving all alone. Meeting new people. Knowing new perspectives. And finding freedom. Finally, after two rambling years, she is into her ultimate and supreme adventure.
I enquired, how can you be so sure of this being your final hurrah?
She replied, I know it instinctively.
I wondered and asked so what’s this final adventure looks like?
She responded, “I am battling to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage”.
For once, I could not reply. What kind of spiritual pilgrimage is this? Leaving all your relationships, your responsibilities, career on hold and acting vagabond?
Yes, she said, somehow, I was no longer willing to be poisoned by civilization so I fled and walked alone upon the land. I fled, but I am liberated now.
The world is intrigued with people that they can’t figure out and I am no exception. I said, does your liberation amounts to being a decapitated corpse who won’t feel any pain, any longer? If that is the case, my asking so many questions would be more like kicking a decapitated corpse in the groin which would accomplish very little.
She countered back,
“No, in fact I feel more alive now.
You see, what I found was we humans are like roads which are meant for walking and that’s what we will always do but every now and then, those known and unknown pedestrians are going to walk all over us.”
“I belong to a metropolitan city. Before I started wandering out, I had this thing about the sense of touch. In any real, big, bad city, you walk, you know? You often brush past strangers and people keep bumping into you. But in actual, nobody touches you. I was always behind this shield of metal and glass. And the reason people keep bumping, keep crashing into each other is because they miss that intimate/personal touch so much. And because of that crash they manage to feel something.
I wanted to feel things, I wanted to feel everything! I have touched many things and I have been touched by many as well!”
“You see, everyone dies but not everyone really lives. I think I am living.”
I was zapped. Eyes fixed at her. Her nonchalant expressions were making me fall for her.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Rambling Ragas-2
Needless to say every journey is fascinating. And orkutting was one of those journeys.
I sometimes tend to pamper myself by thinking that; I possess a marvellous talent of the art of wondering at every small thing in life which come across my way! Be it, changing dynamics of relationships, fluctuating mindsets, inconsistent loyalties or even fountains of love showered upon my being from unexpected quarters. Ain’t they small things considering their far too common occurrence? I even wonder how come I am not untouched by these miniscule events?
The logic says because of my living in such society!
What society? The society, whose inception has always been doubtful? A society where the ignorant reign? A society, whose basic premises stipulate that, enlightened must hold their tongues? A society whose policy deciders, must profess half-hearted dedication to a primeval allegory or face the catastrophic consequences of speaking their true mind?
Well, I can go on but I wonder, again, of its relevance!
In the inner world, Lunatic fantasy paves way for a much mellowed down rambling ragas, bereft of ethereal elements of my existence like, arrogance, insanity and anger. Should it be named Neurotic’s Notebook rather than getting lost in the mumble-jumble of ragas of ruptured ramblings?
But why mellowed down version? Have I changed? May be. May be not. Does not matter actually. We all change, everyday. Some by choice, some by chance. It’s quite easy to stick to certain set of people, certain patterns of emotions, a particular cigarette brand, Hayward’s or kingfisher strong beer and last but not the least writing in a certain way. Because all these “certain” things helped me in getting relationships, recognition, adulation, identity, attachment etc but then the moment I think of that I find myself chained up to these certain things. And that’s when I find myself deteriorating, every second of my existence. It’s easy to be stereotyped and it’s uncomfortable to experiment.
Choice was mine. I guess, I am fulfilling my 2nd biggest birth right after freedom! Experimentation! Yeah, I wrote that right!
Move again. Don’t get fixated on one particular thought. Creativity is always fragmented. So am I. so is this rhythmic rabble!
And when I think of movement and rhythm, I think of sea-shore. I would love to spend an evening on beach with mild breeze caressing my soul. There, at that very place, one can feel the smell of unhindered freedom which is right there, for the taking. Go, snatch it. Feel blessed. Or even better, bow to the dying sun, to its vermillion aura and its promise of coming again, tomorrow! Feel like touching that blue/green water! Yes, we love sea. We love sea-shore. We love its purity and enormity. We love its strength. And all that despite knowing that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong??
Guess, I am not too knowledgeable about sea except knowing few myths of sea-monsters, mermaids, Bermuda triangle, and trade routes etc etc. but I do know that precisely that’s the way it is here. It always has been. I don’t know swimming but I like to find myself at least once, to measure myself at least once in those harsh blows of sea. Isn’t it exciting to imagine, I am standing in the most ancient of human conditions, all alone, facing blind and I don’t have any weapons/instruments at my disposal except my own hands and my own head with a heart of gold! My! I am being so greedy! I have always been!
I sometimes tend to pamper myself by thinking that; I possess a marvellous talent of the art of wondering at every small thing in life which come across my way! Be it, changing dynamics of relationships, fluctuating mindsets, inconsistent loyalties or even fountains of love showered upon my being from unexpected quarters. Ain’t they small things considering their far too common occurrence? I even wonder how come I am not untouched by these miniscule events?
The logic says because of my living in such society!
What society? The society, whose inception has always been doubtful? A society where the ignorant reign? A society, whose basic premises stipulate that, enlightened must hold their tongues? A society whose policy deciders, must profess half-hearted dedication to a primeval allegory or face the catastrophic consequences of speaking their true mind?
Well, I can go on but I wonder, again, of its relevance!
In the inner world, Lunatic fantasy paves way for a much mellowed down rambling ragas, bereft of ethereal elements of my existence like, arrogance, insanity and anger. Should it be named Neurotic’s Notebook rather than getting lost in the mumble-jumble of ragas of ruptured ramblings?
But why mellowed down version? Have I changed? May be. May be not. Does not matter actually. We all change, everyday. Some by choice, some by chance. It’s quite easy to stick to certain set of people, certain patterns of emotions, a particular cigarette brand, Hayward’s or kingfisher strong beer and last but not the least writing in a certain way. Because all these “certain” things helped me in getting relationships, recognition, adulation, identity, attachment etc but then the moment I think of that I find myself chained up to these certain things. And that’s when I find myself deteriorating, every second of my existence. It’s easy to be stereotyped and it’s uncomfortable to experiment.
Choice was mine. I guess, I am fulfilling my 2nd biggest birth right after freedom! Experimentation! Yeah, I wrote that right!
Move again. Don’t get fixated on one particular thought. Creativity is always fragmented. So am I. so is this rhythmic rabble!
And when I think of movement and rhythm, I think of sea-shore. I would love to spend an evening on beach with mild breeze caressing my soul. There, at that very place, one can feel the smell of unhindered freedom which is right there, for the taking. Go, snatch it. Feel blessed. Or even better, bow to the dying sun, to its vermillion aura and its promise of coming again, tomorrow! Feel like touching that blue/green water! Yes, we love sea. We love sea-shore. We love its purity and enormity. We love its strength. And all that despite knowing that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong??
Guess, I am not too knowledgeable about sea except knowing few myths of sea-monsters, mermaids, Bermuda triangle, and trade routes etc etc. but I do know that precisely that’s the way it is here. It always has been. I don’t know swimming but I like to find myself at least once, to measure myself at least once in those harsh blows of sea. Isn’t it exciting to imagine, I am standing in the most ancient of human conditions, all alone, facing blind and I don’t have any weapons/instruments at my disposal except my own hands and my own head with a heart of gold! My! I am being so greedy! I have always been!
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Rambling Ragas
It was a weird week. Weird, umm...Yes, unless I resemble it to a stage of hopelessness, hollow or even desperate. Images kept colliding with stones of reality! It was a state of haunting past, few never thought before regrets, turbulent past and some certain discomfort of not-so-distant future!
How often do I feel like pondering over ever so endless journey, undertaken by me! Sometimes I seek my purpose. Purpose of my life and all that I manage to find is big zilch. Things take me to my own beliefs! My persona! Enigma or plain complex? Simple or pretender? I do not know! My beloved keeps saying me, you are a wonderful mix of various hidden and unexplored shades! I wonder yet I see myself blushing! Probably, the word extremist will spare me from all the adjectives! I Probe it further and I find an aesthetic voyager whose home is his tiny head and somewhat big heart! Escaped from home to seek ultimate freedom.
I meet all kind of people. Talk about males, females! I had an amazing assortment of variety! I have stopped counting types of shades I have witnessed in 1/3rd of my life! But the majority of them always chanted ragas of unhappiness. I kept on asking what makes them unhappy? Job? Love? Relationships? Parents? Friends? Yeah, mostly!
Fair enough!
What else?
And few of those other reasons made me think. Should I laugh? Or flash a wry smile? Should I try to find some sense behind those reasons?
Few of those reasons-
- He/she refused to accept me!
- I was proposed!
- I could not take my dinner/breakfast!
- A tiff with my colleague!
- What will happen to me if I don’t get the guy/gal of my choice!
- I have a bad stomach!
- Why am I not able to feel happy?
Quite genuine? May be, yes! I laughed. I really did. I even thought. I wondered. And what I found? Were those reasons were really insignificant to fret about or I had a larger perspective or they were right in their assessment? Why do so many of those, live within gloomy circumstances and yet will not have to take the initiative to alter their condition because they are conditioned to a life of protection, conventionality, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind. But if we look deep, in reality what could be more perilous to the audacious spirit inside a human than a safe and sound future?
I read this somewhere that “how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong. Wouldn’t we be better with passion of adventure at our very basic core! Essentially, the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun ".
Do I follow them as I write them? Yes, I do! That does make me lonely soul sometimes but don’t I have a right to be so? And if I have so, shouldn’t I accept it and move on!?
Almost two and half decades have passed since I have started walking the earth.
My sense of living says I have lived a luxurious life. Sometimes, I try to merge myself in the solitude of my surroundings! No phone, no calls, no people, no beer, no cigarettes and even no beloved! Ultimate freedom. In those moments, I feel blessed. Perfectly happy. I find no reason of my living and as Leo Tolstoy said in War and Peace, “If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed."
Is there any other greater pleasure than discovering the reason that life itself has no reason! Well, Mr. Tolstoy you better talk to Ayn Rand! I will join the party later…
The sensical nonsense is far from finished…
===========================================================
Saturday, 19 April 2008
Reality Of Dream!
One of those days...fragmented...dissected...probably even brutal..! I guess, it does not matter any more. Its more like a flawless motion...something keeps walking. Yet it stands there...ever so diligently...
A labyrinth of weedy quagmire. He was lying over there...he was not comfortable with morning sun rays...but he managed to wake up...blurred eyes...
A look at him and he seemed half blind...oblivious to the fact that rays are getting stronger...he has to run away from his place...hide in some corner...
But no...Bastard had a tendency to face it...he did not want to run away like every other day...
Somewhere in his heart...he murmured...
Emerging rays,
Use me as you will,
Pull my strings,
Just for a thrill
And I know I will try to be okay
Though my skies are turning grey...
The place where he was sitting...On the notorious Bank side. He saw few drops of maligned water...black colour...could not see his reflection...but he could see reflection of light.
"O! I so like the blue glow...and how beautifully it’s reflecting onto the water!"
“Or Am I having nightmares, which won’t let me sleep...who don’t let me remain awake as well...?
It’s still dark? Or am I just unable to see through those rays..?”
He still had country liquor by his side...and all his pockets were turned empty...
He had to get up...trying hard to find the way out amongst maze of concrete buildings, beetle juice strewn roads...
"Oh watch out, you fool! Can’t you see few broken pieces of beer? Last night, that rich kid picked a decent looking girl...he already had two girls in his car...one sitting in the back seat...and other near the driver's seat...though, I couldn’t see her face..It was not visible. It was somewhere near the driver seat...wondering..!
Seemed as if she had succumbed easily to the force of gravity...most of the times, most women look for a knight in shining armour, perhaps she was looking for a werewolf and had actually found him!"
Never mind!
He moved further...felt hungry...tried to find some cash in his pockets...
He shouted..."damn me! What has happened to my memory?”
Scenes of last night again flashed in his mind. It was midnight! He was passing through that beat house! Heard some muted cries! Could not resist peeking inside...that constable was all inside that kid...kid was sobbing...he must be 15-16 years old..In that dim light, a flow of red line was distinctly visible. He sighed...none of his business!”
Constable saw him...gave an angry glance and asked, you want to be the next? Come on, empty your pockets...or I will lock you here for suspicious activities..!
He did not see any point in arguing...he gave whatever few pennies he had...!
While he was leaving...he felt as if boy was looking at him hopefully..!
He felt a bump in his throat...as if the candles blew then disappeared,
Unseen curtains flew and then again appeared, saying...ruthlessly...move on...don't be afraid,
Come on, boy..! Just move on!
Sometimes having a Sadist attitude Keeps your soul away from suffering...helps in salting one's insanity and just immortalizes conceited vanity...and that can be called a good bargain...in any case, losing one's conscience does not hurts much...
He was moving aimlessly...wandering through buildings and people...like a sex addict goes through condoms...his stomach started aching...but doesn’t matter...he is used to it...
His reputation always preceded him...call him a night stalker or a grim reaper...he always had a choked breathing...he always appearing like dropping dead...probably that’s how he was conceived and nurtured…
For the day, again two rejection. They say, they don’t have a vacancy...they also said,” he does not look like a working wannabe...he is just not fit for blue collar jobs...”
Out of all those things, Success is one of those things that take you by surprise! He felt as if even he had a right to be surprised, once in a while...people kept saying him, you have no wings...but does that mean anything?..Yes, they are right...but it still does not mean anything!
Sun started settling up in his abode...with disappearing sun, he started feeling like the king of cold with fire within...cold stays steady...the fire moves...that’s nature of their circuitry.
And a day just passed...the sun seems to have fun doing same stuff again and again for billion of years...when the sun will realize, that whenever it wakes up, it molests him...whenever it molests him, He wonders...
Should he bite his tongue? Or should he fall apart?
Or should he just wait until blood soaks his shirt?
It has ceased to hurt! This molestation is as painless as a wet noodle..! Or has he turned cheese?
Whatever...his mind keeps meandering towards unknown landscapes...
Sun was about to set...The last flicker of daylight calls upon him, but yet into the darkness he walks...
He felt miserable...and his misery was caused by few of those people...for whom his misery was their adventure...yes, it’s always a bargain...
He pretended to sleep again...never to wake up again...
He died...or he just faded...after all he was just a "dream"...one among many...a dream...like a rusty spoon forged from forks and nails of the ancient era...!
Life just keeps moving...dreams simply keep dying...!
When the darkness comes, one must go...
What to lament?
Seemingly nothing to lament!
Dawn and dusk will return tomorrow...
No matter what...
But I have not seen dreams returning upon death...
Tomorrow it will be turn of another dream...!
==================================================================================
Don’t bother
And don’t mourn d death
It’s just another
Gratis corpse
Of illegitimate
Child of My Dreams...
My duty is to bring random lines into life!!!!!!!!:
A labyrinth of weedy quagmire. He was lying over there...he was not comfortable with morning sun rays...but he managed to wake up...blurred eyes...
A look at him and he seemed half blind...oblivious to the fact that rays are getting stronger...he has to run away from his place...hide in some corner...
But no...Bastard had a tendency to face it...he did not want to run away like every other day...
Somewhere in his heart...he murmured...
Emerging rays,
Use me as you will,
Pull my strings,
Just for a thrill
And I know I will try to be okay
Though my skies are turning grey...
The place where he was sitting...On the notorious Bank side. He saw few drops of maligned water...black colour...could not see his reflection...but he could see reflection of light.
"O! I so like the blue glow...and how beautifully it’s reflecting onto the water!"
“Or Am I having nightmares, which won’t let me sleep...who don’t let me remain awake as well...?
It’s still dark? Or am I just unable to see through those rays..?”
He still had country liquor by his side...and all his pockets were turned empty...
He had to get up...trying hard to find the way out amongst maze of concrete buildings, beetle juice strewn roads...
"Oh watch out, you fool! Can’t you see few broken pieces of beer? Last night, that rich kid picked a decent looking girl...he already had two girls in his car...one sitting in the back seat...and other near the driver's seat...though, I couldn’t see her face..It was not visible. It was somewhere near the driver seat...wondering..!
Seemed as if she had succumbed easily to the force of gravity...most of the times, most women look for a knight in shining armour, perhaps she was looking for a werewolf and had actually found him!"
Never mind!
He moved further...felt hungry...tried to find some cash in his pockets...
He shouted..."damn me! What has happened to my memory?”
Scenes of last night again flashed in his mind. It was midnight! He was passing through that beat house! Heard some muted cries! Could not resist peeking inside...that constable was all inside that kid...kid was sobbing...he must be 15-16 years old..In that dim light, a flow of red line was distinctly visible. He sighed...none of his business!”
Constable saw him...gave an angry glance and asked, you want to be the next? Come on, empty your pockets...or I will lock you here for suspicious activities..!
He did not see any point in arguing...he gave whatever few pennies he had...!
While he was leaving...he felt as if boy was looking at him hopefully..!
He felt a bump in his throat...as if the candles blew then disappeared,
Unseen curtains flew and then again appeared, saying...ruthlessly...move on...don't be afraid,
Come on, boy..! Just move on!
Sometimes having a Sadist attitude Keeps your soul away from suffering...helps in salting one's insanity and just immortalizes conceited vanity...and that can be called a good bargain...in any case, losing one's conscience does not hurts much...
He was moving aimlessly...wandering through buildings and people...like a sex addict goes through condoms...his stomach started aching...but doesn’t matter...he is used to it...
His reputation always preceded him...call him a night stalker or a grim reaper...he always had a choked breathing...he always appearing like dropping dead...probably that’s how he was conceived and nurtured…
For the day, again two rejection. They say, they don’t have a vacancy...they also said,” he does not look like a working wannabe...he is just not fit for blue collar jobs...”
Out of all those things, Success is one of those things that take you by surprise! He felt as if even he had a right to be surprised, once in a while...people kept saying him, you have no wings...but does that mean anything?..Yes, they are right...but it still does not mean anything!
Sun started settling up in his abode...with disappearing sun, he started feeling like the king of cold with fire within...cold stays steady...the fire moves...that’s nature of their circuitry.
And a day just passed...the sun seems to have fun doing same stuff again and again for billion of years...when the sun will realize, that whenever it wakes up, it molests him...whenever it molests him, He wonders...
Should he bite his tongue? Or should he fall apart?
Or should he just wait until blood soaks his shirt?
It has ceased to hurt! This molestation is as painless as a wet noodle..! Or has he turned cheese?
Whatever...his mind keeps meandering towards unknown landscapes...
Sun was about to set...The last flicker of daylight calls upon him, but yet into the darkness he walks...
He felt miserable...and his misery was caused by few of those people...for whom his misery was their adventure...yes, it’s always a bargain...
He pretended to sleep again...never to wake up again...
He died...or he just faded...after all he was just a "dream"...one among many...a dream...like a rusty spoon forged from forks and nails of the ancient era...!
Life just keeps moving...dreams simply keep dying...!
When the darkness comes, one must go...
What to lament?
Seemingly nothing to lament!
Dawn and dusk will return tomorrow...
No matter what...
But I have not seen dreams returning upon death...
Tomorrow it will be turn of another dream...!
==================================================================================
Don’t bother
And don’t mourn d death
It’s just another
Gratis corpse
Of illegitimate
Child of My Dreams...
My duty is to bring random lines into life!!!!!!!!:
Sunday, 23 March 2008
Wild's FairyTale!
It was a perfect place for week-end vacations! Chirping of birds! Musical flow of river! Mild roars of wild, fee animals! The misty air and the sun plying hide and seek with unsuspecting clouds! It was nature at its best! Mysterious best! Nature’s best creation, through unplanned artistic endeavours makes one freeing his soul from the restraints of a mortal world...wild has mortal elements but their way of living borders on immortality..Here, the heavens declared the glory of God and infinite skies were proclaiming the work of his hands. Day after day, night after night they poured forth blessings and purity...
This jungle was no different...
The wild's co-habitants living lives in their own way...few roamed wildly...it was privilege of those who possessed power and who never relied upon their heart's calling! The meek trying to co-exist in their own unassuming way! In the dark corners of trees and virgin lands!
Small creatures were always afraid of scavengers and opportunists. One of them was a white dove. Chirpy, innocent and beautiful! Its feathers reflected the purity of its soul. Lost in the maze of its self-created world, it went about its task of living life. A dove's life! Dove had a happy feel about its existence. Waking up, going on with life, scanning the trees, branches, leaves for its living! Its nest was decorated with whatever can be called the need of the hour. A small space, perfectly fitting to its tiny size, nest did not have a base or a roof..! Few sideways doors, where it could sneak from as and when desired.
The dove's perfect life style lacked just one thing...wings! Its wings were not fully blossomed...not that, dove was not aware of it, but quietly reconciled to this hard fact, it often wondered how would it feel to fly? With no barriers, no restraints! Few drops would just fall down in those moments, but dove always managed to gather herself! I should not complain about the things which I don’t have! I am chained to my reality...and I still assume reality to be beautiful...
The wild was full of fascinating creatures...one of them was an eagle! Young, beautiful and with inborn gift of ability to fly high an dry! The eagles have a royal thing about them...one of the most wonderful sight is an eagle flying high with wings wide open...as if earth and sky merge together in its kingdom..It has a lazy appeal about it...the way it flies gives an impression of how confident it is of its abilities...but essentially its a predator...who keeps loking for its prey...and when its hungry...and hunts down,it looks even more beautiful..Calm,serence but ready to snatch away its meal. It’s kind of gory in a soft way...
One of those predatory hunt made it notice the dove...for once, eagle was mesmerized with dove's beauty but then the rule of wild says, if you hesitate even for a moment, you will die hungry...here the head rules the heart...it was about to grasp dove in its powerful jaw but some other easier meat distracted it...
Both had a different world...different perception of its existence...and both were happy...
Soon enough, eagle was on hunt again...his sharp memory reminded him of dove...lets colour this evening with soft, sweet meat of that beautiful dove...he hunts her..And soon finds her. Dove was resting in her nest...humming songs of belongingness...her face was radiant...unaware of what was going to befall upon her...she was lost...she was nourishing her half developed wings...sometimes, praying and some other times cursing God for them...yet optimistic enough..Eagle on his part, waited long enough...he could have given her a painless death but he kept watching...he had a smile on his face when he saw her singing and dancing...it seemed as if she was painting her own canvass ..With some mix colours...every colour was faded...vague...but she was happy using them...he waited long and she kept mesmerising him...he was hungry yet what he was witnessing was a rarity for him.
He had never ever witnessed a tiny creature's even tinier world! He knew nothing about song and dance but his mind said, its probably a way to celebrate life...to feel good about your self...so many times, he extended his jaw but stopped himself..
Suddenly, dove tunred...everything stopped...for a moment she looked fearful...and then everything changed...she stared at his eyes...it was brimming with curiosity...and wonders, why aint she afraid..? Isn’t she supposed to fear? Beg for mercy? Both kept staring at one another!
Something nudged eagle from inside...a voice...a beat...is this time I dispose of those petty tyrants? One on the throne of sky...flying away to unknown horizons...and one inside me! Her delicious meat may satisfy my hunger but is that the only way out?
Whereas dove's nerves were stable now...the initial fear of death was gone...he doesnt want to kill me otherwise he would have killed me? Why is he waiting? But sooner her thoughts, moved to his royal presence! He is big, powerful, belongs to a royal breed! His aura is invincible...and look at his wings...so wide...so beautiful..!
She touched his wings...and felt as if she was touching divine...eagle stood incredulously...wondering how he should react. For him everything seemed unreal...no other species had ever touched his wings..He was also not familiar with someone's touch. It felt good. But strange...it felt soothing but...out of world phenomenon...should I bite the hand which is touching me or should i just watch her next step...
Dove was in delirium ...now feeling his wings with her complete flesh...this cant be real...I knew, I was missing something beautiful but I never knew this was so beauiful...she was experiencing a complete transcendental occult..
Eagle’s blood started rushing. His each and every vein was aching...the mind was hungry, the heart was experiencing the never before felt sensations...
he was trying to give words to what he was feeling but no other word crossed his mind except beauty...sure, there are many other words but somehow, I am not able to allow them to reach my subconscious because they seem to be lost in its sheer beauty as well...eagle touched her...carefully...it was an innocent touch...
And she felt protected...and cared like never before...he touched again...and she immersed her being in his strong arms...she had her eyes closed..He had his eyes fixed on her face and feeling wonderful. Reincarnated...
It went on for hours...nothing else mattered...the world had stopped...two contrasting souls finding impossible in each other's embrace...
Dove whispered,
“Just hold on to my loneliness....I don’t want to move...
Did I ever need anything? Did I ever ask for anything?
I did not…I won’t...just be by my side...and swear on the eternity that you will always love me..!”
The dream continued...they met next day...and the next day...and then next week...she was no more fearful of unknown...he was no longer feeling a strength with hollowness at its fulcrum...he was feeling complete..Giving...caring...nurturing...feeding...
And the dove. Started believing...in don’t know what...but she started...her half wings were no longer making her feel incomplete...she ran to him every time...and nature witnessed something phenomenal...then they started to fly...she looked at her abode and said..Goodbye...she had become what they were together...unison of souls...she learned how to fly even with those wings...
And then one fine day. He put his shivering lips on her's...
Something happened...
............
...........
Did clouds roared? Did heart stop beating?
..........
..........
Yes, noone knows what happened..!
……….
He was lying down...his stunned face turning dark...from the corners of his mouth, few blood drops started dripping...he was losing consciousness...
What was that?
"Were those lips poisoned? Yes..
Or am I hallucinating about my impending death? What’s happening?
Am I going backward, in a different time zone?
Slowly rewinding things of future!
Or am I trapped inside my memory?
Was I betrayed? Or did my mind betray me?
Or something else is unravelling slowly...
Am I being haunted by my own heart?
Or did I try to breathe in an artless life?”
Dove stood calmly..! Same sernity...at peace with herself..!A faint smile...
.. Few flutters...and a crow emerged from the bush...singing and dancing in his ugly way...
Dove smiled...crow laughed back..!
They hugged each other..!
"I love you my princess!"
"I love you too my king crow!"
Dove thought to herself...
"It’s a beautiful lie...I had to survive...the nature of wild follows no rules...no hearts...
Moreso, it just demanded an act! Survival of the smartest...! After all he was an eagle. A predator essentially…...
It’s a perfect denial...though I was true to myself...i did what I had to...and crow is not a bad choice...
He is just ugly but in bargain, I also get a life long slave!
And love? Yes...I loved his wings...I will have them in his memory…
My dear crow, would you please cut those large wings of that predator who was trying to snatch away your beloved and gift me? "
Crow thought to himself...
I know I am ugly...where else can I get such beautiful partner?
I know I will stand by her...forever...!
Eagle was about to die...wondering how it panned out...
He whispered...
"You should know how I feel. you pulled me back to an unknown territory and then...just pushed me off...to be alone the rest of my life...but keep flying my love...I wonder, whether you can look at my tears or hear my muted cries...I wish you could come closer...but don’t come closer even If you suppressed heart says it..You have done enough...
Sweetheart, is this the life you lead or I could not see a life that led for you!
Perhaps the universe is designed to break one's heart...
But all I will say is...please smile while I bleed...
It’s just your smile that I need...
Smile while I die...but never ever ask me why!!
After all it was a beautiful lie to believe in..."
Dove never heard those whispers...
This jungle was no different...
The wild's co-habitants living lives in their own way...few roamed wildly...it was privilege of those who possessed power and who never relied upon their heart's calling! The meek trying to co-exist in their own unassuming way! In the dark corners of trees and virgin lands!
Small creatures were always afraid of scavengers and opportunists. One of them was a white dove. Chirpy, innocent and beautiful! Its feathers reflected the purity of its soul. Lost in the maze of its self-created world, it went about its task of living life. A dove's life! Dove had a happy feel about its existence. Waking up, going on with life, scanning the trees, branches, leaves for its living! Its nest was decorated with whatever can be called the need of the hour. A small space, perfectly fitting to its tiny size, nest did not have a base or a roof..! Few sideways doors, where it could sneak from as and when desired.
The dove's perfect life style lacked just one thing...wings! Its wings were not fully blossomed...not that, dove was not aware of it, but quietly reconciled to this hard fact, it often wondered how would it feel to fly? With no barriers, no restraints! Few drops would just fall down in those moments, but dove always managed to gather herself! I should not complain about the things which I don’t have! I am chained to my reality...and I still assume reality to be beautiful...
The wild was full of fascinating creatures...one of them was an eagle! Young, beautiful and with inborn gift of ability to fly high an dry! The eagles have a royal thing about them...one of the most wonderful sight is an eagle flying high with wings wide open...as if earth and sky merge together in its kingdom..It has a lazy appeal about it...the way it flies gives an impression of how confident it is of its abilities...but essentially its a predator...who keeps loking for its prey...and when its hungry...and hunts down,it looks even more beautiful..Calm,serence but ready to snatch away its meal. It’s kind of gory in a soft way...
One of those predatory hunt made it notice the dove...for once, eagle was mesmerized with dove's beauty but then the rule of wild says, if you hesitate even for a moment, you will die hungry...here the head rules the heart...it was about to grasp dove in its powerful jaw but some other easier meat distracted it...
Both had a different world...different perception of its existence...and both were happy...
Soon enough, eagle was on hunt again...his sharp memory reminded him of dove...lets colour this evening with soft, sweet meat of that beautiful dove...he hunts her..And soon finds her. Dove was resting in her nest...humming songs of belongingness...her face was radiant...unaware of what was going to befall upon her...she was lost...she was nourishing her half developed wings...sometimes, praying and some other times cursing God for them...yet optimistic enough..Eagle on his part, waited long enough...he could have given her a painless death but he kept watching...he had a smile on his face when he saw her singing and dancing...it seemed as if she was painting her own canvass ..With some mix colours...every colour was faded...vague...but she was happy using them...he waited long and she kept mesmerising him...he was hungry yet what he was witnessing was a rarity for him.
He had never ever witnessed a tiny creature's even tinier world! He knew nothing about song and dance but his mind said, its probably a way to celebrate life...to feel good about your self...so many times, he extended his jaw but stopped himself..
Suddenly, dove tunred...everything stopped...for a moment she looked fearful...and then everything changed...she stared at his eyes...it was brimming with curiosity...and wonders, why aint she afraid..? Isn’t she supposed to fear? Beg for mercy? Both kept staring at one another!
Something nudged eagle from inside...a voice...a beat...is this time I dispose of those petty tyrants? One on the throne of sky...flying away to unknown horizons...and one inside me! Her delicious meat may satisfy my hunger but is that the only way out?
Whereas dove's nerves were stable now...the initial fear of death was gone...he doesnt want to kill me otherwise he would have killed me? Why is he waiting? But sooner her thoughts, moved to his royal presence! He is big, powerful, belongs to a royal breed! His aura is invincible...and look at his wings...so wide...so beautiful..!
She touched his wings...and felt as if she was touching divine...eagle stood incredulously...wondering how he should react. For him everything seemed unreal...no other species had ever touched his wings..He was also not familiar with someone's touch. It felt good. But strange...it felt soothing but...out of world phenomenon...should I bite the hand which is touching me or should i just watch her next step...
Dove was in delirium ...now feeling his wings with her complete flesh...this cant be real...I knew, I was missing something beautiful but I never knew this was so beauiful...she was experiencing a complete transcendental occult..
Eagle’s blood started rushing. His each and every vein was aching...the mind was hungry, the heart was experiencing the never before felt sensations...
he was trying to give words to what he was feeling but no other word crossed his mind except beauty...sure, there are many other words but somehow, I am not able to allow them to reach my subconscious because they seem to be lost in its sheer beauty as well...eagle touched her...carefully...it was an innocent touch...
And she felt protected...and cared like never before...he touched again...and she immersed her being in his strong arms...she had her eyes closed..He had his eyes fixed on her face and feeling wonderful. Reincarnated...
It went on for hours...nothing else mattered...the world had stopped...two contrasting souls finding impossible in each other's embrace...
Dove whispered,
“Just hold on to my loneliness....I don’t want to move...
Did I ever need anything? Did I ever ask for anything?
I did not…I won’t...just be by my side...and swear on the eternity that you will always love me..!”
The dream continued...they met next day...and the next day...and then next week...she was no more fearful of unknown...he was no longer feeling a strength with hollowness at its fulcrum...he was feeling complete..Giving...caring...nurturing...feeding...
And the dove. Started believing...in don’t know what...but she started...her half wings were no longer making her feel incomplete...she ran to him every time...and nature witnessed something phenomenal...then they started to fly...she looked at her abode and said..Goodbye...she had become what they were together...unison of souls...she learned how to fly even with those wings...
And then one fine day. He put his shivering lips on her's...
Something happened...
............
...........
Did clouds roared? Did heart stop beating?
..........
..........
Yes, noone knows what happened..!
……….
He was lying down...his stunned face turning dark...from the corners of his mouth, few blood drops started dripping...he was losing consciousness...
What was that?
"Were those lips poisoned? Yes..
Or am I hallucinating about my impending death? What’s happening?
Am I going backward, in a different time zone?
Slowly rewinding things of future!
Or am I trapped inside my memory?
Was I betrayed? Or did my mind betray me?
Or something else is unravelling slowly...
Am I being haunted by my own heart?
Or did I try to breathe in an artless life?”
Dove stood calmly..! Same sernity...at peace with herself..!A faint smile...
.. Few flutters...and a crow emerged from the bush...singing and dancing in his ugly way...
Dove smiled...crow laughed back..!
They hugged each other..!
"I love you my princess!"
"I love you too my king crow!"
Dove thought to herself...
"It’s a beautiful lie...I had to survive...the nature of wild follows no rules...no hearts...
Moreso, it just demanded an act! Survival of the smartest...! After all he was an eagle. A predator essentially…...
It’s a perfect denial...though I was true to myself...i did what I had to...and crow is not a bad choice...
He is just ugly but in bargain, I also get a life long slave!
And love? Yes...I loved his wings...I will have them in his memory…
My dear crow, would you please cut those large wings of that predator who was trying to snatch away your beloved and gift me? "
Crow thought to himself...
I know I am ugly...where else can I get such beautiful partner?
I know I will stand by her...forever...!
Eagle was about to die...wondering how it panned out...
He whispered...
"You should know how I feel. you pulled me back to an unknown territory and then...just pushed me off...to be alone the rest of my life...but keep flying my love...I wonder, whether you can look at my tears or hear my muted cries...I wish you could come closer...but don’t come closer even If you suppressed heart says it..You have done enough...
Sweetheart, is this the life you lead or I could not see a life that led for you!
Perhaps the universe is designed to break one's heart...
But all I will say is...please smile while I bleed...
It’s just your smile that I need...
Smile while I die...but never ever ask me why!!
After all it was a beautiful lie to believe in..."
Dove never heard those whispers...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
